Penny Hero (dot) Net

I’ve posted the following to a bit ago because I wanted to get some nifty conversations going. I also wanted to keep a record of it in my own livejournal in case anyone on my friends list wants to contribute to the discussion, and so i can tag and save the entry for future reference with my own tagging system. Anyway, welovegeeks link, and a similar blogspot entry that hopefully will get googled better.

Hey all, I was thinking about some geek related things over the last few days, and I wanted to see what all of you thought about this, and maybe we could start a discussion/exchange info, yadda yadda.

Anyway, yesterday, a friend of mine told me that I exist in this really unique niche as far as my geek-tech-linux-gender identity. I’m a female undergraduate English major who uses ubuntu as an end-user. In other words, I use linux the way the rest of my department (and the world?) uses OS X or Windows, and I don’t use linux because I’m a system administrator or because I’m a programmer or spend a significant time developing tools for myself.

I use Ubuntu for several really specific reasons: it’s free and I’m a very poor college student, it forces me to maintain a slightly higher-than-average internet-usage literacy without overwhelming me with forcing me to understand everything about my hardware or even the software I use, and it encourages me to stay away from pirated software for Windows. The fact that it also allows me the freedom to dive much deeper into learning about advanced computing, web design and hosting, programming etc when I do have the time to mess around for fun really is just an added bonus. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I don’t have to deal with spyware, virii, malware, etc.

I’m also really interested in gender and the internet, gender and tech-consumption/usage, the changing face of gender in gaming, and general literacy and technology issues from a very human and “end-user” point of view. I’m interested in doing serious internet research on this, and maybe even setting up a blog specifically for this kind of discussion and research even. My friend suggested that if I dove into it and really devoted myself to this, I could end up getting hired as a pro blogger somewhere down the line. (wow, wouldn’t that be nifty?)

Anyway, I never really thought about this as being as unique or significant as he seemed to think it was until he pointed it out to me and tried to make me see it in that way. (he’s been working for mozilla for a year, and has been deep into the tech and web industries for a long time, so I guess he’s got his thumb on the pulse of something that might make him know what he’s talking about, right?)

How many of you are also interested in these kinds of issues? Anyone here use linux purely as an ‘end-user’ or desktop user and not as a developer or programmer? I think that this is partly the philosophy of Ubuntu actually, and I’d be interested to know how many other “less technical” users there are out there.

This is all also partly inspired by my failed attempts at getting fellow liberal arts students into linux… I ordered a bunch of pressed cds and tried to give them away to others (particularly girls), but it didn’t catch fire at all…

Anyway, anyone have links to sites or blogs exploring this sort of thing? I’m interested in collecting info and doing some research for fun (and to increase the level of meaning I feel my life has in general), and perhaps to set up a really focused blog about these kinds of topics.

[Anyway, the content and “meat” of this post has been partially cross-posted in my blogspot blog, because blogger gets more google attention…]

Original post: yesterday, a friend of mine told me that I exist in a really unique niche as far as my geek-tech-linux-gender identity. I’m a female undergraduate English major who uses ubuntu as an end-user. In other words, I use linux the way the rest of my department (and the world?) uses OS X or Windows, and I don’t use linux because I’m a system administrator or because I’m a programmer or spend a significant time developing tools for myself.

I use Ubuntu for several really specific reasons: it’s free and I’m a very poor college student, it forces me to maintain a slightly higher-than-average internet-usage literacy without overwhelming me with forcing me to understand everything about my hardware or even the software I use, and it encourages me to stay away from pirated software for Windows. The fact that it also allows me the freedom to dive much deeper into learning about advanced computing, web design and hosting, programming etc when I do have the time to mess around for fun really is just an added bonus. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I don’t have to deal with spyware, virii, malware, etc.

I’m also really interested in gender and the internet, gender and tech-consumption/usage, the changing face of gender in gamining, and general literacy and technology issues from a very human and “end-user” point of view. I’m interested in doing serious internet research on this, and maybe even setting up a blog specifically for this kind of discussion and research even. My friend suggested that if I dove into it and really devoted myself to this, I could end up getting hired as a pro blogger somewhere down the line. (wow, wouldn’t that be nifty?)

If any of my readers knows of other bloggers/websites who are interested in these sorts of issues, could you forward me some links? I’d like to read up on what other people are talking about as a sort of first-step toward maybe, MAYBE starting up a new and very focused blog.

[some of the content in this post was also posted in welovegeeks because, while blogger gets more google attention, that lj community is more active and discussion-focused.]

The livejournal version of my post about girls and linux is still getting some discussion. I replied to a user’s post, and I wanted to re-post this part of the conversation here too, just for fun. I like that blogger gets more attention from search engines than livejournal, plus I want to save this in a non-lj space.

Basically, davev1968 said, “stereotypes exist because they are, at least in part, true.” This is a really common response to people who are trying to deconstruct stereotyping language or ideologies. So I replied in part:

…however, I do also want to remind everyone that stereotypes and the “reality” they describe have a more complicated relationship than just the idea that they “have some grain of truth” or they are “generally actually true.”

One perpetuates the other and reinforces the other unless you make yourselves conscious of it and work to deconstruct it or work against it. Stereotypes are not “natural” as you describe them. They are constructed by people trying to describe reality, but then they themselves reinforce that reality and make it difficult to break out of those destructive patterns. to say that they are “natural” is to take a back-seat and simply “accept” things that aren’t always true. It used to be that it was “natural” for blacks to be slaves, and women to be submissive to men. While these are more extreme examples, it’s still exactly the same social structure that makes it happen.

Altering these “less extreme” stereotypes like girls-hate-geeks means fostering discussions like this, reminding people that the world is always more complicated and deserves to be described by things other than stereotypes. Once that ball gets rolling, intelligence will really seem more attractive, and it will be more “normal” for women to be as “intelligent” as men.

So, there’s some stuff. I wanted to save this for later for if I ever have to defend the world’s complexity and destroy people’s lazy tendency to over-simplify things again.

heh. ok. get me the fuck away from my computer. I have homework to do.

(This post and comments were originally in my livejournal)

I was digging around in del.icio.us instead of reading for finals, and I stumbled across Chris Del Checcolo, Ricky Hussmann, and Dougald Brown’s video about setting up a dual-boot system with Windows XP and Ubuntu Linux. I thought “hey wow! perfect for Marci (my roomie who’s almost ready to make the switch)” and I emailed her a link. So, anyway, the video’s funny and good imo. informative, light etc. Until the very end when one of them makes some joke about how this type of thing isn’t going to help you (male audience) get dates, because “girls hate linux”.

Just in case this was true, I pulled down my pants to make sure I still had a vagina.

Seriously folks. No, I didn’t get all hussy and pissy like I used to. Frankly, I’m getting used to people assuming my gender is stupid-until-proven-otherwise. And to be perfectly honest, it’s no longer flattering or cute when guys FREAK OUT AND CAN’T BELIEVE IT when they discover that I know how to scp a file to a remote machine or that I switched to linux for ideological (as well as financial) reasons. Anyway, I emailed Ricky to both thank him and his buddies for the video and to throw in my two meager female cents for the “girls are too dumb to like linux” type of comment at the end of their film. I also mentioned that I’d be “sooo bloggin this”, and since he has a penis, he’ll no-doubt know how to google my name and find my blog and will no-doubt read the partial cross-post I have on my blogspot blog. (So, Ricky, I apologize in advance for sort of using your guys’s comment as a jumping off point for a rant. I hope you understand my non-hostile motivations and understand that I can be pissed about your comment and still appreciate the video. I just hope you (and any other guy) realize that the more you tell yourself that girls are stupid, the more true that will seem to be and you’ll never meet anyone or get laid (for free) ever. Even though your comment was probably a total joke, and you probably all three have great girlfriends, it’s still exactly the wrong way to attract chicks to computers or linux.)

Anyway, I just wanted to share, and see if I could rock the gendered-geek boat a little bit just for fun.

I was digging around in del.icio.us instead of reading, and I stumbled across Chris Del Checcolo, Ricky Hussmann, and Dougald Brown’s video about setting up a dual-boot system with Windows XP and Ubuntu Linux. I thought “hey wow! perfect for Marci (my roomie who’s almost ready to make the switch)” and I emailed her a link. So, anyway, the video’s funny and good. informative, light etc. Until the very end when one of them makes some joke about how this type of thing isn’t going to help you (male audience) get dates, because “girls hate linux”.

Just in case this was true, I pulled down my pants to make sure I still had a vagina.

Seriously folks. No, I didn’t get all hussy and pissy like I used to. Frankly, I’m getting used to people assuming my gender is stupid-until-proven-otherwise. And to be perfectly honest, it’s no longer flattering or cute when guys FREAK OUT AND CAN’T BELIEVE IT when they discover that I know how to scp a file to a remote machine or that I switched to linux for ideological (as well as financial) reasons. Anyway, I emailed Ricky to both thank him and his buddies for the video and to throw in my two meager female cents for the “girls are too dumb to like linux” type of comment at the end of their film. I also mentioned that I’d be “sooo bloggin this”, and since he has a penis, he’ll no-doubt know how to google my name and find my blog and will no-doubt read this. So, Ricky, I apologize in advance for sort of using your guys’s comment as a jumping off point for a rant. I hope you understand my non-hostile motivations and understand that I can be pissed about your comment and still appreciate the video. I just hope you (and any other guy) realize that the more you tell yourself that girls are stupid, the more true that will seem to be and you’ll never meet anyone or get laid (for free) ever. Even though your comment was probably a total joke, and you probably all three have great girlfriends, it’s still exactly the wrong way to attract chicks to computers or linux.

Anyway, I’m quoting my email here, just for fun. You don’t have to read it:

Hello hello

del.icio.us helped me find your linux dual boot tutorial video that’s available on google videos… which I thought was funny and straight-forward and totally useful by the way.

Also, talking about how girls hate linux is DEFINITELY the best way to get more girls to get into linux. That totally made my day.

Basically, I went searching for resources to help my (female) roomie switch to ubuntu, and yours seemed like the most accessible… And yet, us chicks are still seen as dumb bimbo linux-haters! That’s sooo 1999. *scolds*

Anyway, thanks for the video. it made me feel warm and fuzzy until that last bit about girls hating linux. I’m pretty sure it’s stuff like that (or just assuming girls aren’t into computers) that makes it hard for engineering guys to get dates. We love to hear about how dumb we are.

(or wait! I could reply to your stereotypes and talk about how it’s really the fact that engineers never shower, and they have bad breath, and they never make eye contact that makes it hard for you guys to get dates!)

Have a spiffy day. feel free to write back, forward this to your partner in crime, or whatever. :) sincere thanks for the video. but don’t disregard my feminazi critique of the end of it. :)

Emily Nashif

P.S. i’m sooo blogging this. :)

Anyway, off to read and study for my Liberal-Arts (aka “artsy-fartsy”) education. Or maybe I should sleep.

Edit: Just in case anyone is interested, there’s a little discussion simmering about the cross-post I made to a livejournal community for girls who like geeks.

So, today I had two meetings, neither of which involved me contributing anything accept laughter at Geff for leaving us to pick up his tab the night before after our Budget-request thingie. I was slightly annoyed at the website meeting though, because the first half was basically my boss and co-worker talking about security issues with authenticating our future userbase… all of this I pretty much followed, if not totally understood. I can listen to people discussing security issues and contrary to popular anti-feminist belief, my brain does not turn off. The thing that irritated me was that when it came time for my boss to ask me how the design aspect of development was going, he immediately “dumbed down” his language, to the point that he should have been embarrassed. Yes, I know how to install extensions on firefox, and you don’t need to be surprised when I do it right in front of you. Yes, I know how to upload a static html file to my onid account. Yes, I know how to locate and view a page’s css. My co-worker also seemed to notice, and tried to enter the conversation on a more “normal” level, asking me more specific questions… but my boss maybe didn’t quite notice that.

*sigh* The problem is that I’m probably to blame, because I don’t know how to talk about what I understand. I can make webpages. I even know a little php. I’m learning how to work with more advanced web design stuff, and well on my way to understanding how xaraya themes work. I can modify and write css and “make shit look cool”, and make it work across various browsers, but because of my lack of group-experience, I’ve never had to actually talk and discuss stuff… so I don’t know what things are called, or how group-procedure is generally done. So if I would just learn the vocabulary/diction/discourse that they are involved in, and pushed myself into the conversations a little more, maybe he would stop thinking of me as an archetypal “non-technical girl”.

The funny thing is, my boss’s wife is apparently pretty feminist-ish… so it’s kind of funny that he seems to default to this way of interacting with me. It’s probably NOT because I’m a girl though… I should give him the benefit of the doubt… he’d probably talk like this to any guy who appeared to have the lack of understanding that he seems to think I have…

Anyway… that’s all for now I think. I have seven chapters of The Turn of the Screw to read… and a crappy Philosopy paper on Descartes (*pukes*) to write… and a nihongo test to study for… and a pallet page to make, and some layout mockups to make, and some MLA research to do…

And it’s all going to make me explode at some point soon because my personal life is growing more and more tense… and the more I try to ignore it, the more it scratches at the window. (I’m telling you… androgyny would be nice! demo, I think there’s something wrong with me if I’m trying to cut myself off from the very things that make us human beings and not ants. )

P.S. Hi and *hugs* to . I had no idea you were still lurking around livejournal. Glad to see that you are. ^_____^

Instead of doing my essay, I’m reading about Helen Cixous… and thinking about who I am. Part of me looks at her ideas of “feminine writing” and feels that it’s not writing that I love, but it’s so-called “male writing”. Part of me is fine with that. I’m fine with that because that’s what I’ve been doing all my life, and it’s something that I enjoy. I’m fine with it because my job right now is to teach and tutor other students how to succeed in this “phallocentric” discourse. I like descriptive grammar and I like to learn the ins and outs of prescriptive grammar. I like critically analyzing things and giving feedback and translating ideas in to other ways of expressing ideas and helping other people learn to translate their ideas into a written academically accepted language. I’m also (apparently) very good at it… in fact, I’m convinced that my writing really is the only thing that has carried me so far through college with a 3.5something GPA.

But this other part of me thinks about this and wonders if I might be happier rejecting these ideas and embracing (or rather, creating) this more intuitive, flowing, or as-of-yet not quite understood way of writing that Cixous seems to be encouraging. I read about her and I think yes! I do have trouble translating my own thoughts into the “logic” and “clarity” that are demanded by Academia and any other respected nerd field. I think for a second that I’ve come to the very very essence of “writer’s block”.

But then my mind takes another turn… and I realize how much I dislike the ‘essentialist’ position that Cixous seems to take. She seems to be participating in the very discourse she wants to deconstruct by allowing ideas of “female” to correspond inherently with the repressed. She seems to directly connect “Woman” and women’s sexuality with all other things that are de-emphasized in our socially constructed discourse. Things like intuition, concepts of mothering, and nurturing, or poetry. I’m offended by this. I don’t believe that there is anything more than a coincidental parallel construct between most of these things. I don’t believe that anything is is inherently “Vaginal” about child-rearing except that that’s the corridor through which a baby enters the world. I agree with Cixous’s critics when they make the point that her essentialism seems to defeat the goal she seems to have: that of breaking up the oppressive writing discourses we have. In fact, she could only succeed in creating a second oppressive discourse… and even if “female writing” did become a dominant language through which our world is seen, it would still be as engendered and as incomplete as she seems to feel the current system is.

I thought a lot about what I learned from commentary on her work (since I couldn’t find her actual works online yet…) and how I feel my own world is constructed.

When reading her, I also think about how in my own emotions, I often want to take on the expressive role, and give support, or attempt to be a stable thing for someone else to recieve what I give. I know that this is what is called the “male” role. I also keep thinking about how sometimes I want to be on the recieving end in a relationship. My own lifestyle matches this kind of ambiguity/confusion in how I (and I’m sure many other women) absolutely loathe shaving, plucking, waxing… and yet I continue to do so. I do it because I feel like I deserve the effects of this practice (being seen as a woman, whatever that really means to me), even while I hate the chores I’m obligated to do in order to be seen as a woman.

I see this ambiguity/confusion in my own sexuality… in my attraction to other people, especially people who would allow me to be more expressive and “active” than I could ever be in a “traditional heterosexual” relationship. this translates to my attraction to “feminine” men, and other women. I don’t want to be expected to settle into a pattern of being the reciever, being acted upon, or approached. But it’s more than that. I would be equally unhappy (and in fact I’ve found that I always am) in relationships where I am the one always in the ‘active position’. I’m always seeking the back-and-forth. I want to be both sides, and I want to be neither one. And I don’t want to be expected to be either one. In the contemporary ‘academic’ understanding, there exists here an irreconcilable paradox. But in the language that I think Cixous is advocating the development of, there is none. (this language she’s talking about… I don’t think is a bad idea… I just don’t like the essentialist thinking that seems to have begun it, or the engendered discourse that it could only lead to).

It seems like what I’m wishing for is for the entire “gender” discourse to just dissapear. The entire discourse including what it has done to writing, thinking, language, and thus the way we percieve the world… I wish that it would never have been developed… and we could all simply be human beings. And things like sex would not have double meanings for people. (for men it’s essential to have or risk social alienation. for women it’s essential to not really want it, or risk a completely different kind of social alienation… “sluttiness”.)

It all comes down to this conflict between me wanting to be comfortable and accepted in this society, and wanting to just be me without the meaningless obligations that come with not having a penis.

That… and my confusion about how I feel about the writing discourses… and academia… and my desire to be respected and such, and my disatisfaction with the path I must take in order to become respected.

*Pause*

I’m also feeling obligated to apologize for the disconnectedness of this entry… because this entry doesn’t adhere to the academic, ‘analytical’ patterns that would normally give an intellectual exploration like this a more “serious” readership/audience, I feel like I need to make some kind of excuse for it, and “claim” that I really am a “smart person” and that my thoughts here shouldn’t just be discounted as ramblings, or rantings… that this “paper” really was well thought out, and that it is (I guess) really structured in a way so that I can try to exercise my own ideas of what I think could be a new, more fluid “dance” between what Cixous calls “feminine writing” and what she thinks is the current logical masculine writing.

like she even says, the new discourse won’t make sense to the current contemporary systems. I think that in and of itself is evidence that what I’m doing here is a kind of play between those systems… because I really do come from the “contemporary” discourse, (and other reasons) I could never hope to create or contribute to “essentially feminine” writing. In principle, i wouldn’t want to. I want a language through which I could express more directly my thoughts and feelings.

I think that’s what I’ve tried here… and so, it would be expected that most everyone reading this (unless you are from venus. haha) will think that it is sloppy, poorly written etc etc.

My body and I used to have a very love/hate relationship. But mostly hate. I hated how clumsy it was. I hated how it did not reflect anything close to who I really was. I hated the disparity between the person other people saw and the person I was inside. Hated it. I was two sides of a canyon. Ugly.

I don’t know what changed. I don’t know if every girl goes through this or not. Probably not… because if so, more women would be presidents, astrophysicists, biochemical-engineers, surgeons, soldiers.

I would not be who I am if I did not feel this way. I don’t know how I ever functioned properly without this. Me and my V are buddies now.

I want to meet more people who are capable of celebrating the human body.

I want to hear more songs, poetry, and public art that are created to celebrate sex.

And by celebrate, I mean like sunrises, or rhinestones. Celebrate it like parents. Celebrate it like I celebrate the awesome physics of neutron stars and the experience of real hugs.

The fact that not everyone celebrates is one of the great injustices that will never be solved in the big picture. One of those things like bad politics, slavery, Microsoft… en masse, no change is completely possible. I’m sure there’s some sociological law describing this, and I wish I knew its name. But the corollary to this law will describe how we can still live our own individual lives without suicide sometimes. Like how people in large groups are stupid, but individuals are unique and intelligent.

That’s how we have to live. That’s how we have to celebrate.

Happy V-Day. (a few hours late, but… yeah)

I never thought that going to a school-sponsored party would be fun. My body is so sore right now, especially in my hips from dancing (3? 4 hours straight? w00t!). A group of us went to see Scary Movie 3, in an almost completely empty theater, then went out for food. Then we all went to West Hall and watched people dance, and waited for the rest of the group to show up so that we could all leave for another party together. George and the rest were sooper late, so finally Ethan grabs some people (including me) and basically says “fuck waiting. Dance-time.”

Wee. I think we made up a good half of the dance-floor, which was cool. They played shit-music, the kind you’d hear at high-school proms (except remixed to dance-beats), but it was still fun.

I started noticing something though, about an hour or so later: I was the only white girl there. Everyone else was at least part Asian, either from Hawaii, or an international student. There were some white guys scattered around, but I was really the only girl. I started to notice how people seemed to act differently to me on the dance floor. For example: when one of the guys would start dancing with one of the girls there (freaky or not, it didn’t matter), the rest of the group would cheer, scream, whatever “Go JusTIN, go JusTIN!” and things would get a bit wild. But when they decided to dance with me, everyone got strangely quiet, or distracted or something. (Btw, for the record: Tommy was the most fun to dance with. *swoons*)

Now, I’m pretty sure my dancing doesn’t suck that badly. And, from hanging out with them lately, I’ve also come to understand that most of these guys are just simply not attracted to American girls. *sigh* So, I put two and two together and made the disheartening realization that I am simply not hot, cute kitty ears or no. At least… that’s how it seemed. I felt kinda genderless, and that’s ok because then I didn’t have to worry about getting hit on in the bad way. But it’s not a very good feeling if you’ve been trying so hard to be cute and attractive for someone dancing a mere five inches away, and you suddenly realize that he’s only looking for a girl who was born with a name written in Chinese (or Korean) characters. But, the loud music, strobe-lights and all the bodies pressed around me for so long didn’t let me dwell on it until I came outside for fresh air.

Now, I’ve never actually wanted to be Japanese. I’ve wanted to be the unexpected American girl who could use chopsticks well, and speak the language. But for the first time in my life last night, I actually thought to myself “I wish I was Asian,” because apparently, in order to be an attractive girl to these people, you can’t be white.

I could be totally wrong though… the lack of sexual attention I’m getting might not really be because of my ethnicity. (but I doubt it.) It could be because I’m into gaming, and saved George’s computer from a crash last night. It could be because I didn’t have to be dragged onto the dance floor and came very willingly. It could be because I’m not so conservative, and maybe a little bit smart, or something. Maybe. But I think the fact that I didn’t learn English second has a lot to do with it too.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore. I’m glad that I have some species of social life now. But human interaction is like a drug; you have some, and then you want more. Then the same level of interaction isn’t enough, and you feel like you want to take it up a notch higher. Having this silly silly crush probably is really inflaming and magnifying what I might naturally feel at this point too.

Despite what I’ve just written. I am in a good mood. I just want to reflect on what I felt and saw last night, and keep a little record. Maybe next week, after I bust out my super-sexy-seductive moves on The Boy, and he finally caves, I’ll be writing about something completely contradictory. (but I doubt it.)

I uploaded some more pictures. Including some of me as a KITTY. There is a whole series of Halloween-type pictures with “h_filename.jpg” types of names…

I went to my php class tonight dressed as a kitty. On the way back, I crossed paths with a group of five or six semi-drunk guys who started making cat calls… and I suddenly remembered that girls in cat costumes are usually associated with sex in the male mind… I walked quicker to avoid them. But they also walked more quickly and I could hear their comments. So I stopped in my tracks, ripped off my ears and turned and gave them all a really dirty look. They all shut up there and I was allowed to walk back to my dorm in peace. Heh. Horny-bastards beware of Starla’s Look of Death.

In other news, there are LOUD and OBNOXIOUS boys right outside my door. The same boys that are featured as “boys” and “men” in the Oct. 31 folder of photos. They are annoying, distracting and… yeah amusing. Reminds me of elementary school over-night “sleep in the gymnasium” trips.