Penny Hero (dot) Net

Setting: park-bench on the waterfront.

Penny, and her most promising new side-kick trainee Ilguk (a Korean-American porno-movie director), are wrapping up another of their secret super-hero meetings in front of an expensive restaurant where he just bought her dinner.

Penny: The stars look really nice tonight.
Ilguk: Yes they do, Penny.
Penny: The Superhero Comm-ship is up there, you know. Its orbit hides it in Jupiter’s light.
Ilguk: You shouldn’t tell me that. I’m not your side-kick yet.
Penny: Oh, but I think you will be. I trust you completely. You spent more time at the Academy than I did, and you are better at ballancing your own life with your Super-Hero life than I ever was. I’m an extremely good judge of character. You won’t betray me.
Ilguk: Ha ha ha ha. That’s what YOU think.
Penny: *blinks* What?
Ilguk: Oh, nothing. I just said “Ha ha ha ha. That’s what YOU think.”
Penny: You are joking right?
Ilguk: No.
Penny: What? I’m confused.
Ilguk: Penny? this is going to be hard for both of us just you, because I’m not even going to pretend to be torn up about this.
Penny: ??

Ilguk reaches up, grabs his own chin, and tears his own face off, revealing a bloody mass of smelly fat and bloody muscle hanging on to skull-bones and a few metal implants

Ilguk: I am none-other than your newest ARCH NEMESIS! You can call me Gukster the Really Good Faker!

Gukster the Really Good Faker strikes a dramatic pose and purple smoke seeps out of nowhere and transforms his non-descript clothing into evil lawyer-clothes.

Penny gasps in shock, and assumes a defensive position, pulling out a large chinese broadsword that she always keeps with her, but manages to somehow keep out-of-sight from the camera at all times

Penny: I applaud you for fooling me. That must have been quite a task to hide your astral aura from my super-psychic senses. You indeed have a talent for deception, so I think your Villian-name is apt.
Ilguk: Why thank you.
Penny: You understand that I must kill you now. You know too much.
Ilguk: Naturally, you must try. Don’t be decieved! it will be I who kills YOU!

he lunges with deception-acid-claws

Penny: back, you demon!

She runs from him down the sidewalk to put enough distance between them so that she can use her pocket-sized grenade launcher

Ilguk: You can run but you can’t hide!
Penny: I laugh at you and your cliches!! Not to mention that bad “don’t be decieved” pun!

Suddenly, half a dozen lights shine out of the sky and touch the ground surrounding Gukster the Really Good Faker. Shapes begin to grow and take form in the lights, and Penny begins to see the shadows and profiles of her most feared and sociopathic Arch Rivals from past comic-issues. She drops her grenade launcher in shock, which then snaps back into it’s pocket-sized shape.

The villians continue to materialize

Ilguk: Ha ha ha. What’s this?
Penny: (under her breath) This could be very bad for the Earth.

The shapes finish their materializing, and stand in their purple and blue sparkling anti-glory side-by-side with Gukster the Really Good Faker.

Southern Fruit Demon: Hey, you.
Ilguk: Me?
Boot, the Kung-Fu Non-Decliner: Yeah you. New guy. Come here. *yawns*
All old Villians in Unison: GET THE FUCK OFF OUR TURF!
Son of the Moke-Bird King: She’s got enough on her hands with us following her around for the rest of her life.
Shop-Teacher From 8th Grade: Hoh brah. Dat dumb-haole super-hero stay going DOWN someday brah. But not by you. no wayz brah. She stay OURS.
Penny: (from a distance) I thought you fuckers were locked up!
Villians: We are. But the guard let us out if we promised to waste this guy, because there isn’t any more room in the Jail of Penny’s Arch Nemesis’s.
Penny: I see. Carry on then. But don’t kill him. Just sew his face back on, so that when I see him at the Academy, I won’t pass out. I liked him better when he had skin.

Needles and threads fly, and Gukster the Really Good Faker is once-more (foricbly) transformed into the harmless Ilguk the Porno-Director, cum-splattered cheap camera in hand…. with two differences: his Academic transcript at the Super Hero Academy has been destroyed, and his Deception Acid is now ineffective because Penny has sent the chemical formula to the Comm-Ship, where a vaccine will be developed to protect her in the future.

Penny approaches. Ilguk looks embarrassed, and touches his re-attached face.

Penny: You will drive me to my friends’ place so that I can laugh about this with them.
Ilguk: Um… Ok.

They drive away.

Penny: You’ve been expelled from the Academy for your betrayal. You have 25 days to return your textbooks and super-powers to the circulation desk or you will suffer late-fees.
Ilguk: …
Penny: And thanks for dinner.

THE END.

Today… Has just been one of those really good days. Like another one of those “all the right chemicals” days. I mean, it doesn’t matter that I had a shit-load of nightmares last night. And it doesn’t matter that I totally lost my voice today because of this sickness. And it also doesn’t matter that I crossed paths with Michelle when I least expected it.

I don’t even know why I have days like this. Nothing spectacular happened. Not like how you sometimes have a really bad day because your cat died, and then your tire went flat and then you broke a nail… Today was just an average mix of good and bad things. But somehow, everything clicked, and everything balanced and I came out emotionally on top. I don’t understand it. But I am very grateful.

NEW! From the continuing Adventures of Penny (Hero) Yoshinobu: The Super Haole! published by Pissed Individual Publications, Hilo HI.

Penny’s newest adventure takes us back to her home-town in Hawaii where she is on Special Assignment from her new employers in Japan to monitor the “Moke-bird” levels in the islands and then “wait for further instructions.” It was within the first few days of this recent mission that Penny met “Orchid”, who recently secured several partnerships with some of Penny’s old contacts in the islands. Penny has long been suspicious that the Moke Birds were getting smarter, and deploying spies disguised as humans to learn the secrets of the Super Haole network. And while Orchid fits the profile of “Moke-bird spy” in every way conceivable, Penny still is unable to secure any hard evidence that she is working for the enemy, or if her family history is just a sad coincidence.

Plot Teaser: Our story begins when Penny, disguised as Mild Mannered Starla, arrives at the home of one of her former partners-in-crime-fighting, code named “James”, in order to discuss covert operations and a possible future alliance. As she pulls into the driveway, her Haole-senses begin to tingle and she looks up just in time to see Orchid leaving the house. Because of her orders from her Japanese employer, Penny is unable to follow up on her suspicions and confront her. Instead, she smiles sweetly and asks “So are you leaving now?”
Orchid responds “Yes. I have to go.”
Penny is unable to ignore Orchid’s look of bewilderment or her eyes which seem to demand “what the fuck are you doing here?” but she responds with nothing else and waits for the car to leave the driveway before entering the house.

So the questions remain: Will Japan allow Penny to investigate the suspicious background of this seemingly benign woman? Will her future partnership with “James” be tumbled by her actions? Is this really part of the sinister twisted world-takeover plot of the Moke-birds? Or is it just that James simply really likes Orchid’s cooking…?

To find out the answers to these and other questions, watch “The Adventures of the Super Haoles (Season 3, episode 19) “Hawaiian vacation or Tropical Doom?” Only in theaters, starts September 7th.

Comment Topic of the Day: The Super Haole Adventures need an editor… and an artist… and a legit publisher because I Chris still hasn’t responded to my message asking if his name would be my fake publishing company… Anyone interested?

The Sushi Wars

Penny had a big adventure last week… unfortunately her literary agent wasn’t doing her job and failed to report on it. The Dreaded Sushi Monster attacked the town of Corvallis on Friday night and the newest Incarnation of the Super Haoles (Penny and her new Japanese side-kick “Aki”) were almost totally defeated. Late Friday night, all food creations using vinegar rice began to break apart and crumble into little pieces throughout the town of Corvallis. A sure sign that the Sushi Monster was nearby. Penny and Aki’s efforts to repress the Dreaded Sushi Monster almost completely failed. They were barely able to confine The Monster to a small kitchen in a two story apartment building until Aki’s International Crew arrived to save the day. Kosho, the shy leader of the group, was not only a black belt in all known forms of Martial Arts, but had majored in Food Science back in College. She led the attack on the Dreaded Sushi Monster and rolled him up into a VERY large sheet of nori where he was expertly sliced into monster-truck-tire sized sushi rolls and served to the starving children in Ethiopia. And so the city of Corvallis was saved!

Tomo and I discovered to our great surprise that my dad loves wasabi. Ha ha. Go Dad. Eat as much as you want. But be careful… or you’ll experience the reciprocal of a “brain freeze”. Bonnie wouldn’t touch our Sushi though… Maybe she could smell the blood, sweat and tears which were shed during it’s creation or something. (she has no idea…!)

Yesterday I think I failed a Chinese test. Ren Laoshi will probably give me an A again though… If I were grading my papers, I’d be getting Ds and Fs. Seriously. Sometimes I think that our teacher never tells us about our mistakes because he doesn’t know how to say it in English. Studying under a teacher who constantly thanks you for coming to class (unprepared) and smiling (because you didn’t do your homework) is really discouraging. There is no way to really improve, there is no way to really progress through him. It’s like Otsubo-sensei’s craziness multiplied by about 30 and passed through a “I can’t speak English” filter about 75 times. If his eye ever starts twitching when he talks I think I am going to walk out of that class and never come back.

In other news: There was another fucking fire-drill in my hall this morning. This one was at 8am instead of 2am luckily. Still… I am going to tear to shreds whoever the fuck burned their toast this morning.

Comment Topic of the Day: Got Sushi?

The last few days have been cool. I’ve been out, and busy…Exciting adventurous things have happened too. I was in Oahu for a day with Dean. Which was really cool. We went shopping, and watched movies, and just relaxed at his brother’s apartment. I got three Jpop CDs at this um… really awesome store… and now all my American CDs are totally put to shame by the flashy fancy packaging of these imports from the land of the rising sun. I’m trying to talk Nutari kun and the rest of taxsquad to let me publish a clever and impish review of the CDs on their website… We’ll see what happens.

Other adventures from the last few days now available in VHS and DVD format include these exciting titles:

“Penny Packs Like a Mad Mule!” In which our hero Penny Yoshinobu is seen hurriedly packing all of her worldly possessions into big brown cardboard boxes in preparation for her big move to the mainland. As always, evil villains (in this episode known as “Procrastination” and “Laziness”) try to stop her. Will she master the art of martial arts packing in time to catch her flight and save the world from the herd of rampaging mules stampeding towards the center of Hilo? Come Monday, June 11, all will be made clear. (aprox. running time: 21 minutes)

Back to back with:

“Penny Framed and Deceived, But Thrown a Going-Away-Party Anyway.” In this exciting adventure, Penny, in the guise of mild mannered Starla, by means of an anonymous phone call to her boss, is accused of plotting evil against the company she works for (namely, plotting to sneak friends into the theater and steal lots of concession.) However, because of Starla’s good reputation and the caller’s insistence to remain anonymous as well as his unwillingness to provide specific information, Starla’s boss laughs at the caller after she hangs up the phone and throws Starla a surprise fare-well party 2 days later. The question remains: Will Penny seek revenge? (aprox. running time: 19 minutes)

In other news: I’m hungry… and craving hot soup because I think I’m getting sick. So I shall leave you all for a while. Good day, ladies and Gents.

Comment Topic of the Day: As tribute to the long weeks of teaching from Kiley-Sifu and the extended use of his broadsword, I ask that any commentors do some kind of um… dramatic martial arts-text type moves somewhere in your comment… you know “*bob does a backflip and lands perfectly*” I had to return the sword yesterday… and I’m sad. Bonus points for anyone who uses a sword in your comment.

This is the second time in two days that the police have been here… I don’t like cops. I don’t like anything to do with the judicial system. Court today was shitty as hell. The Judge was an asshole… he wouldn’t even let Jeff speak. Wouldn’t let him explain… It really sucked shit.

And now the cops are here again because mom apparently called them. Damnit. I don’t know what is really going on… something about Jeff threatening to sue, mom wanting him to move out, and I am just stuck in the middle.

It was funny though… yesterday when the cops came I was outside practicing with Kiley’s sword. The cop got out of his car and yelled “Put the SWORD DOWN!” It was funny as hell. The look on his face I mean. If he only knew how harmless I was. If I tried to attack him, I’d probably end up slitting my own stomach or something… It was still really funny. I sat down in the grass and put the sword in front of me. Then when he was gone I continued practicing. The other cop came out and started talking to me about the sword… asked what I studied etc. he was kind of nice. I think he wanted to see if the sword was real and if they should put anything about it down in their little report. ha ha.

Anyway… Gah. make the stupid cops go away. I want my life back… My world is falling apart…. My family is falling apart. Crumbling crumbling… I am scared.

Anyway, So the beginning of my day was horrible. I have to go to court on Wednesday and it is all fucked up because Jeff still hasn’t gotten a new copy of his registration… and I actually spent all morning today looking at law books and discovered that we have been fucked since 10 days after he received the truck here. But at least I found out… and now I know more than Jeff does… which means that at our “family meeting” tomorrow, I can negotiate the payment of the ticket since I have to plead guilty on Wednesday…

Ok, make a long story shorter… My day totally changed during sixth period when I totally focused on wiring five items into a single circuit. two lamps, one switch and two AC outlets all wired in a specific way in 45 minutes. speed wiring man. :) it was fun. and I got better. and I FELT better after that. The upside of bipolar disorders. … :)

Judge: Are you Penny Yoshinobu?
Me: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You have been charged with no vehicle registration and no safety sticker. Do you accept or contest these charges or have anything else to say in this matter?
Me: I’d like to contest the expired registration charge. The registration I presented was an Oregon registration and I think the stupid cop officer misread it. *mumbles* Bad Cop. No Donut
Judge: Do you have the registration with you?
Me: No your Honor. The owner of the vehicle had to take it to work today.
Judge actually laughs
Both: *ahem*
Judge: The bailiff will have your slip and your rescheduled court summons date.
Me: Thank you.

[commercial break]

Welcome back viewers! Hang onto your seats everyone! Here comes another exciting episode of the Penny: Adventures of a Super Haole!!

[theme music “The Laziest men on Mars - THE TERRIBLE SECRET OF SPACE” and opening credits play]

“No Cops and Bad Donuts.”

The night before her court summons, Penny and her mother’s boyfriend (aka “The Almost Evil Step-Father”) were searching frantically for the registration and insurance card for his truck. Some evil mynah bird or cockroach (presumably employed by the Mokes Interested in Never Accepting Haoles organization or “M.I.N.A.H”) no doubt had stolen it just prior to them realizing it was missing. The malicious intentions of the mynahs and cockroaches were obvious to Penny, but her Almost Evil Step Dad insisted that it had probably been an accidental misplacement. (Yeah right. How could a cockroach accidentally misplace the vehicle registration papers? The damn things were as big as the roach!)

Since Penny’s original plan of attack had been discovered and thwarted (that of walking up to the judge and saying “Here, your Honor. This is the registration I presented to the officer. Clearly it is not expired. Clearly it exists. Thus your officer is an idiot.”) she quickly had to come up with a Plan B. Penny ran to her computer and hurriedly logged onto to the World Wide Web where she accessed her infinite intelligence resources…namely her mecha’s AI personality “Valiant” (who was busy doing Calculus and couldn’t help) and her best friend “Moose” and his mecha’s AI personality (code-named R.I.O. the Radically Intelligent Other) for help. She also called upon other Intelligent Beings such as her associate D.P.W. and a former colleague with a Hawaiian name meaning “God”. Unfortunately, no immediate solution presented itself.

After hours of perusing various Hawaii State Law books which had been sloppily converted to HTML, Penny finally decided to just go and plead not guilty, and ask for a later court date so that she would have time to replace the registration card and so that her Almost Evil Step Dad could get a stupid safety check. So, at midnight, Penny went to sleep.

[commercial break: Ad for a new Britney Speares Baby doll. Pull her string and she says “Oops I did it again” and begins to smell like real baby poo poo.]

The next morning, she arose bright and early and stepped outside only to see that the clean laundry she had hung up the day before was still on the outside clothes line… and thus soaking wet. *Penny smacks head in dismay, grumbles incoherently as she steps into the car and leaves her suburban home, kicking up cinder dust as she accelerates away*

Her first task was to find the courthouse. It is a well known fact that Hilo, Hawaii is the most illogically designed city in the universe, with one-way streets all going in the wrong direction, two way streets which spontaneously morph into one-way streets at certain hours of the day, given the right conditions, as well as randomly placed traffic lights where the left-turn arrow is only green for maybe 1.76 seconds. Needless to say, finding the courthouse was not an easy task. Neither was finding the courtroom once she found the house. All the entrances to the building were blocked off with “emergency exit only” signs and bright orange tape except for a single door on the very far end of the building.

Eventually, after many long and painful staircases (she was very sore from her latest and very strenuous super-hero training session from the previous Monday) She headed towards what looked like some kind of office. But just before she entered the room, she noticed an extremely attractive Japanese Looking Guy heading down the hall. He nodded at her (probably because she was staring at him) and she promptly walked smack into the door she had forgotten to open. *rubs nose* gahh… :(

[transmission interrupted. the words “ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US” flash upon the screen before being hastily replaced by another commercial break: A re-run for the Britney Speares Baby Doll ad.]

After receiving directions from the lady at the desk, Penny noticed a few other people heading in the general direction of a big fake wooden double door labeled “Court Room 3″. Penny checked her yellow citation. Yep. This was the place. She entered. And then immediately stopped because not only were there no seats, but there was a big guy in a yellow shirt standing just inside the door. After the Yellow Shirt moved, Penny glanced around, and thus she saw the *gasp* extremely attractive Japanese Looking Guy sitting all by himself with maybe 6 inches of space next to him!!!! *JOY!!* Penny asked politely to sit down. *evil grin*

Court was in session for maybe 20 minutes before Penny was called up. She was surprised at how many people in the court room she recognized. Hey! Isn’t that the girl who dropped out of school in 8th grade? She used to share her lunch with me! I wonder who that weird guy she’s with is. Maybe he is her dad. *penny sees them kiss* ehh… *blinks*

“Penny Yoshinobu!”
*penny jumps, rises and approaches the bench*
[editors note: insert previously featured conversation between Judge and Penny here.]
*penny breathes a sigh of relief, signs some paperwork and quietly exits… nodding to the extremely attractive Japanese Looking Guy as she stumbles out and navigates her way back to her car… parked 3 blocks away where parking was free. Then she drove home and arrived back in her room before she normally would even be awake on a day without school.

The End

[end theme music “Ranma 1/2 sndtrk - Baka Song” (used with permission) and end credits play]

Stay tuned til next week… when Penny will once again battle against the forces of Evil and attempt to rescue her soaking wet laundry in You Can’t Sun-Dry Laundry in the Rainiest City in the United States (part 1 of 6).