I had a slight epiphany while in the shower… I think I that must have a very incorrect idea about money. The value I put on money isn’t great enough, and so therefore I have trouble understanding how something as non-material as an education can depend so heavily on money. The connection between a non-material thing, like knowledge, and money just hasn’t been made.
But maybe I should be making that connection. And once that sinks in, and I have a greater appreciation for money, I won’t have so many re-occuring problems with it.
I just realized that I have no Japanese class tomorrow morning, so I can stay up late tonight working on scholarship applications and homework. I guess this means I will live, huh. :)
It really is amazing what kinds of insight one can gain while naked.
I want to withdraw. Just go sit in a closed room and read. I don’t want to think about anything. It’s just too overwhelming.
Money, tuition, financial aid, midterms, finding a job, reconciling with (unnamed), registration (which might NOT happen because of my lack of money), anxiety and pure terror about what will happen if I can’t pay my bill…
I was walking through the M.U. on my way back to the dorms and I just felt this white hot envy for all the people I passed… all of them contentedly studying or talking or reading or eating… and all of them apparently able to somehow pay for their tuition. I didn’t like the feelings I felt. I felt so much anger, rage, jealousy. I saw Bruke and Brandi and I ended up lashing out at Bruke when he messed up my hair as a greeting. I apologized and told him I was in a bad mood… but still. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to walk around with such a dark outlook on everything. I look at my neighbors and all I feel is jealousy… because I have no reason to believe that their parents aren’t rich, or that they don’t have financial aid either… none of them come back to their room crying over money.
This is just so stupid. Of all the things I’m broken up over, money is the thing that deserves the least attention. It isn’t important. I’m not motivated by money, or a desire for a high paying job. I don’t hoard things for myself, I have no desire to have any amount of worldly possessions (except maybe a pen and a notebook… ) I just want to stay in school. And it is sickening how money can make or break an education.
I don’t know what to do right now. It’s too late to find a job already. If I were hired today, my first paycheck wouldn’t arrive until next term’s registration begins. My dad says he can’t help me any more than he already is, and my mom hasn’t given me any new information about a possible loan through her bank with her credit record. I have less than 3 weeks to get this figured out or I have to drop out of school.
I am so fucking scared. And I feel powerless. And I feel like a total whiny-ass-bitch because anyone else would have anticipated this and worked harder earlier to get a job, or would have applied for more scholarships. I am so stupid. I didn’t see it. Or rather, I did see it and I just ignored it. I heard my dad say “You’ll figure something out.” and I just trusted that.
*sigh*
I just need to relax. And just keep going. Do what I can for now, and be sure that tomorrow finds me farther than today. (HWL)
piezocuttlefish | 30-Oct-02 at 12:17 pm | Permalink
I agree that the proposed connexion should be made. That connexion will make for a happier Starla.
I have been through similar financial troubles: owing two semesters’ tuition due at the end of one semester. You have my sympathy.
pej | 30-Oct-02 at 1:42 pm | Permalink
hey, emily. i know exactly how you feel, being worried about not having enough money to be able to pay for college. i mean, here i go to a very expensive school, nearing $17,000 per semester, and my parents can barely afford to pay anything. all i can really rely on to get me through my education is grants and scholarships too. and sometimes i do worry that something’s not going to go through and i’m going to be stuck with paying thousands of dollars. but as long as you do everything in your power to make sure it happens, i honestly think it will happen. and even if you don’t have faith in yourself, i will have the faith for you. so, good luck, and i will pray for the best. :)
thomasarita | 30-Oct-02 at 7:41 pm | Permalink
I was wondering how you were doing. You seem. Well. Write me sometime.
starladear6 | 31-Oct-02 at 12:54 am | Permalink
arigatou. I think I’ll live now. :)
starladear6 | 31-Oct-02 at 12:56 am | Permalink
“I seem, well…”? No actually I’m great! Just occaisionally things like tuition smack me in the face and knock me down… and my kung fu isn’t so great anymore. :)
I’ll write. I’ll put it on my white-board by my bed right above “philosophy essay re-write”. :)
Nice to hear from you. :)
clover334 | 31-Oct-02 at 5:50 am | Permalink
Yah.
Money (or lack thereof) sucks.
You’re right, you will live.
The worst possible thing that could happen:
you have to stop going to school for a little while.
If that’s the worst, it’s not that bad.
Usually schools are willing to help their students,
because the last thing they want is for you to drop out,
especally if you are an excellent student (which I am guessing you are.)
If anything,
you can get a student loan through the FAFSA.
Interest is minimal,
you don’t have to pay back till you are out of school,
and you get a grace period.
Besides,
By the time it comes when you have to pay it back,
the lowest payment plan is only going to be $50 a month.
And by that point you are going to be rollin in the doe.
You’re fine, I know you know that.
starladear6 | 31-Oct-02 at 6:41 am | Permalink
Yeah… the whole emotional “I’m going to die” thing went away.
And for the record, I already have two or something loans through FASFA. That’s where most of my financial aid comes from. I just applied late last year which screwed me over for this year.
Anyway… thanks for the thoughts. :)
thomasarita | 31-Oct-02 at 4:12 pm | Permalink
Let me clarify. “I was wondering how you were doing. You seem well. Write me sometime.”. Sorry. I was tired.
“I’ll write. I’ll put it on my white-board by my bed right above ‘philosophy essay re-write’”
what do you mean by “I’ll write”. confused.
starladear6 | 01-Nov-02 at 7:58 am | Permalink
I was trying to say that I would put “Write to Thomas” on my list of “things to do today”… I list them on my dry-erase board every day. :)
thomasarita | 02-Nov-02 at 9:15 am | Permalink
Crystal Clear now.
clover334 | 02-Nov-02 at 3:11 pm | Permalink
Yeah, I’d kinda figured that all of the things I had to say were redundant,
but I hit “tab, enter” none the less.
Good luck with that anyways.