I was watching the news today… watching some of the newest crap about the “War On Terrorism”… and I felt suddenly this longing to see Lebanon… But not as the war-torn country it is now… but before the shit-storms… or maybe long afterwards. I’d like to see it when Western culture and Middle-eastern culture aren’t quite so… incompatible.
As a child I wanted to go there. When I was 9, I told anyone who would listen that I was “part Lebanese”. I was so proud to know that my last name came from some place special. In my mind, the country was bright, sunny, golden… with happy people wearing blue and black scarves… selling rugs and fruit and beads in markets filled with melodic voices. I knew Lebanon as a country of mystery and beauty long before I read anything about the conflicts in Beirut.
I want to go back to that. I want to be 9 again. I want to see that Lebanon.
But I can’t. And maybe I never will… And it is not fair.
I feel like I have recently inherited some old and rich estate… only to find it vandalized when I finally came to see it. I feel like a birthright, an anchor or a heritage has been shattered before I even knew I had it… or that it was fragile. I feel as if this entire section of my own history is forbidden.
As a child, I was naive. But I was happy. The world was a golden mix of sand and salt. It was beautiful. And that was all.
I do not feel free. I feel alienated. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. And only this little, emotional intuitive part of me seems to understand why.
pukeboy | 12-Sep-02 at 6:23 pm | Permalink
well being irish and stuff (isn’t everyone?) it’s kind of wierd to hear stuff about all the IRA conflicts and catholic / protestant war waging, how people i guess are poor there, and reading stuff like that book angela’s ashes. wooboy.
that made ireland sound almost like hawaii :P
it’s probably not the same kind of thing at all, and i guess you dont hear too much about it anymore, but i guess i can kind of relate?
starladear6 | 12-Sep-02 at 6:32 pm | Permalink
Thanks for relating. Yeah, I think it is different… slightly. But if we were in an irish-related war right now, it would be basically the same thing. I think.
I dunno. Current events juxtaposed with childhood optimism… may caus acid-reflux disease in some patients..
maruchan | 13-Sep-02 at 5:55 am | Permalink
To me, it’s something like not having a place or people on earth to fully identify with…
On one hand, because I live in the US, I like it enough to care about it. But the culture is poison, so it’s a little hard to want to call myself “american”.
And on the other hand…the places where my ancestors came from…are not mine anymore.
Maybe…I empathize with you?
But even if I don’t, I am so sorry…
starladear6 | 13-Sep-02 at 5:09 pm | Permalink
That’s exactly how I feel… not having a group to completely identify with. It’s like being stuck in between two places, and unable to understand where you are. Parents divorced, yet instead of feeling like you have two homes, you have none.
samia | 21-Jul-03 at 5:13 am | Permalink
Hi there-
I stumbled across your livejournal and this entry really randomly while searching for a friend from Beiruts livejournal. I instantly related because my father is palestinian and his entire family lives in Beirut, while I was born and raised here in the states.
I realize that this entry is almost a year old, but maybe this will still apply:
I used to feel exactly like you did when writing this entry, in regards to Lebanon and what years of war and conflict have done to the country. I also felt extremely cheated and lost: Until I actually visited Beirut two years ago.
I could not have been more wrong in my expectations. Lebanon has reconstructed and flourished into the same gorgeous country that it was 30 years ago before the war, if not better. Don’t get me wrong: theres still faint evidence of war everywhere you look- but it’s still exactly the same as you imagined it as a child, sunny and golden, fruits and beads and rugs, and all. Theres no other way to describe it, but bittersweet.
I don’t really know what the point of this comment was.. I guess I was just startled to find someone as similar as me, as far as views of Lebanon go. I’ve constantly been going back and forth from the states, to lebanon, ever since my first visit two years ago (I just got back a few days ago from a month and a half in Beirut) and every second there has been an amazing experience.
I guess I just wanted to say Don’t give up. If you ever get the opportunity to go, you CAN be 9 again.
Heh. Sorry for such a long (and probably really pushy, from a stranger) comment. I got carried away. ;x
-samia.
starladear6 | 22-Jul-03 at 11:08 am | Permalink
Wow.
You have no idea how much I appreciate the words you’ve left here. Comments like yours, from strangers who found they could relate, are some of the best things about livejournal.
Thank you for your note, and yeah… even though the entry is about a year old, I still feel the same way… kind of struggling with how I feel about my great-grandmother’s birthplace.
I still want to go there someday, but I am still pretty nervous. The media and newspapers make me a little scared to be an American planning on visiting the Middle East.
So, you go back and forth often? I’d love to see pictures if you happen to have any.
Oh, and did you find your friend’s journal? I kind of think I should thank him/her for being lost, so that you’d have stumbled upon my entry. :)
Thankyou for your comment. It really means a lot to me. Is it ok if I add you to my friends list? I’d love to talk to you again sometime.
one more thing. If that’s you in your lj icon, I think you’re super pretty. :) *wiggles*