Penny Hero (dot) Net

So I gave in and bought one of those belts that everyone in Japan has. They are really cute and I will feel special because when I get back to the US I will have one, and I won’t be a “trendy” because they don’t exist in the US. Actually, I bought two, but one is a gift for someone.

And I am going to give in and buy one of those really cheap 200 yen umbrellas because I think they are really cool… and even though everyone and their grandmother owns like four of them here, I will be original when I get back home. Additionally, anyone at OSU who has been to Japan and sees me with it will immediately know that I too have been to Japan.

Just in case anyone cares… a team from Kochi just won the National High School Baseball Championships yesterday. The school that won was the rival of Tomo’s father’s high school, but I am sure all of Kochi is celebrating. Apparently half the busineses down there had the day off to watch the 2 hour game. Tomoaki could not be disturbed with a sledgehammer until the last of the final ceremonies were over. It was exciting to witness actually. Kochi hasn’t won in over 30 years. At the end of the game, the coaches were both crying, and so were half the players. One of those events I wish I could have taken an emotional snapshot of and put it in a little virtual reality scrap-book.

In Other News: I have finally passed the half-way point in Atlas Shrugged. I convinced Tomo to buy some Asahi to celebrate… I may have to remind him today again.

He got a job btw. Which is really great. He’s been going to interviews for two and a half months and finally this new company called WebMoney picked him out of 200 other interviewees. His family is proud. I am happy for him. So now we have more than one reason to buy Asahi (and curry flavored Pringles… of which I just ran out)

[end useless boredom-motivated journal entry]

I was telling Kayoko last night about how this is really the beginning of the last moments of my summer. I said that after I leave Kochi I will have no more beginnings in my trip. All the new things will over. Right now I am standing at the top of a large hill with the understanding that in a few minutes I will start the long walk back to the bottom.

She kinda laughed at me and said I sounded like the narrator in some kind of bad drama. heh.

But really. After 8pm tonight, after the bus pulls away and I start my 11 hour drive back to Tokyo, I will have no more excuse for being afraid. All the new things will be finished. I know it is too early for me to really be looking back but I feel like these moments and that turning point when the bus pulls away is just as significant as when I got on a Portland bound flight in Hilo and moved away from my mom. Just as significant as when I bought my car (and learned to drive it). Just as significant as earning my yellow belt and injuring my knee. It is just as significant as when I was admitted to OSU, when I got my first tax return, when I bought the tickets for Japan.

I feel like all the little problems that people have to deal with in every-day life are so irrelevant to actual life. I feel like when I get home, I will have this awesome motivation to succeed in all my classes, get another job, pay for my tuition and books, stay out of debt, understand things like insurance, taxes, voting… because all those challenges are so insignificant compared to what I feel I have faced and conquered by coming to Japan.

I almost feel like I could die tomorrow. Like, I am seeing all these complete thoughts and these full circle kinds of emotions and while I feel heart-wrenchingly sad about leaving Kochi, I feel this sense of awesome peace at the same time.

*pause*

I wrote three pages in a notebook last night. It was 1 am and my mind was just on thinking about my relationship with Tomoaki and about where I am in my life and where I might be when I get on the plane. What was funny was that the first two pages were about 2/3s full of questions. Those paragraphs that you create of of analytical questions which are so much easier to ask than to answer. Those kinds of questions that you write exactly because you want the answers to them. I suddenly saw a pattern. The more I wrote, the more confused I became. And I decided to continue the journal in statement form instead. I asked the questions in my head and searched for answers and wrote them down. What resulted was a series of statements that I think reflect the construction of an emotional backbone. A different kind of bravery is required to take a stand on something that you have no other source to compare with.

I came to a conclusion about something from my not so recent past. I concluded that all these specific things I had regretted and been ashamed of and scared shitless about were nothing to punish myself for. The reason I was and still am compelled to resist life-long commitments is exactly because of what I kept telling myself. But I won’t say “I am not ready” because that implies that sometime in the future, I will be. And I realize now that that is ok.

I made a mistake just before I left Hawaii. I said some dangerous things to someone I care about. I can’t take them back, but hopefully I can explain to him what was really happening when I said them… and maybe I am not too late.

I slept very deeply last night. And now I am ready to finish packing, go buy a travel pillow, say goodbye to Obaasan, visit the ATM one last time and then get on the bus this evening.

For some reason… (and I seriously cannot figure out why…) I am highly amused that Tomo’s dad just walked in the door (at 11:30pm) stumbled around for a while, found himself in the living room, looked at me sitting at the computer, produced this huge grin and giggled “I’m a little bit drunk”, turned off the lights in his fish tank and stumbled upstairs to bed. I can’t figure out what the hell I think is so funny… if it was the grown man acting like a 18 year old…? Or the pale business suit, crisp and clinging tightly to him as he stumbled around…? Or maybe it was because I suddenly have learned that Japanese businessmen are not over-worked, over-stressed, and essentially unhappy people.

Maybe it is because I am secretly relieved to discover that those stereotypes (holy shit… and I really believed it too) were… wrong. I mean, his actions fit every single part of the horrible picture America paints of Japanese business-life. He got up at the ungodly hour of … like 7 am, (he would have taken a train to work if he lived in Tokyo,) he was at work, presumably engaging in all kinds of Japanese business etiquette (some of which no doubt outlined in Japanese Business Etiquette, 2nd Ed, by Diana Rowland, recently read by .) then went out with co-workers to a karaoke bar, and came home extremely drunk… The thing that does not fit is that Seiji-san (Tomo’s dad) is a happy person. Like… I am not shitting you. He is funny. He loves his kids. He loves his mom. He makes intelligent bilingual jokes. …Ok so he got a little pissed off when we got lost near Kobe the other day, and he gets really irritated when people tease him about how he always talks about food. But… I dunno. It is like he has ripped apart all those stupid preconceived notions that I thought were legit and replaced them with this strange and controversial idea that the people here are just… normal people… and that we Americans (or British, or Canadian, or Kiwi, or whoever it is who reads this) made up those stereotypes, came to all those odd logical conclusions about high-stress and alcoholism and broken families held together with the latest electronic gadgets, in order to try to understand a thing that we are too lazy to be.

It is another cultural gap. It’s another illogical fear. It is another theory like “no warm welcome for emily because Tomoaki was the eldest son and I am not currently engaged to him.” Holy fucking shit… what was I thinking?

So anyway… This is Japan. This is Japanese modern culture. And exploring all these things, and realizing that I was totally and unbelievably wrong about them… is fucking great.

On a related note: I had quite possibly the most awesome day today. Nothing incredibly special… just the right events, the right chemicals, the right food. Euphoric. I went swimming. I went for a bike ride around town. I had lunch with Kayoko (Tomo’s sister). I went to the ATM. I bought some new shoes. I helped make dinner. I read. I watched some rented Ally Mcbeal. But I just had this awesome day. Like, where the chemicals are just in perfect balance and you can experience everything with so much clarity and optimism. There was a fifty/fifty chance I would get lost on my bike. I went anyway. I can’t read the signs on the pool that say who is allowed to swim in what lane, but I dove in anyway. I can’t remember the verb “to try on” but I asked the shoe lady permission via hand motions and “daijyoubu desu ka?” before I put on her merchandise anyway.

I am God.

My next mission: locate the news station Domo-kun represents… and take a picture.

Anyway… I know I promised stories of Himeji Castle… but I figured a spiritual epiphany was a little higher up on the “must post in livejournal” priority list.

I have decided that I don’t like those heated toilet seats. Something about having a power outlet and an electrical cord running so close to a device that holds mostly water just gives me the heebie jeebies. Not to mention the high resistance hot wires running just centimeters under your naked ass. Two things come to mind every time I sit down. One: that a very fat person used the bathroom just before me… and two: that if I pee in the wrong direction, maybe I will get electrocuted. I am very glad that this idea has not made it to the united states. I think most of you will agree with me when I say that I prefer to warm my toilet seat myself.

Swallowtail Butterfly, staring my favorite jpop chickie, is stunning. The tri-lingual dialogues are awesome… and I loved the big blonde russian-looking guy who could only speak Japanese (he was a second generation immigrant to “Yen Town”). The director was very culturally conscious and obviously very ambitious. Chara was beautiful in her little “I am tougher than your pit-bull, but my voice is made of cotton” kind of way. Very etch. I will someday own a copy with English subtitles. Mark my words. (ahem… my birthday is coming up! hint hint) I watched it with Tomo’s cousin… who is almost as cute as Chara… but better because I got to hug her goodbye when I left her house today.

Next Topic: Yosakoi Matsuri. The festival that has every train, bus, boat and shinkansen going to Shikoku island PACKED with Japanese tourists (very few foreigners go). Tomoaki and I had a hell of a time getting here because of it… but I now understand why. Imagine: You are standing on the sidewalk next to 3 dozen people you don’t know, who are standing next to three dozen others they don’t know, all the way down the street for miles… and you are listening to this techno-trance-pop music absolutely exploding out of the back of very shiny trucks, with several hundred dancers lined up behind the trucks, all of which are rolling, dancing, kicking, flying, and singing down the street like crazed martial-artists in disco garb… The music fades as the truck moves about half a mile away from you (the base is still audible) and the next truck comes into view with a new set of dancers, new kind of music, and a new kind of interpretation of the traditional Yosakoi Matsuri festival. This repeats from 9am until 9pm for three days! There must have been five or six THOUSAND dancers… and three times as many spectators. I took three rolls of film.

At one point, Towards the end of a dance, three girls at the end of the line looked at me watching from the sidewalk and exclaimed “Gaikokujin!!” (foreigner) and ran up to me. (breaking up their dance). They started waving and grinning. I stood there looking really stupid for a while until I finally remembered to smile and wave back. It took me a few minutes to realize Tomo was also laughing. Later I realized this whole incident was really cool and made me feel special.

I saw one foreigner dancing. She was blonde and kinda small and stuck out from everyone else msostly because of her hair and eyes, but her dancing was really good. I felt morally obligated to take a picture of her as she passed me. I hope it turns out.

A personal message to you: (seriously) I just suddenly felt so happy that people actually read my journal and comment on my adventures. It makes me feel extremely special… and very loved. I am in a way, very much alone out here… and livejournal has been almost the only familiar part of my other life that I have been able to take with me. So… um… thank you... for being here. *sniff*

ahem.

Next: A Smashing Pumpkins experience…kinda So… you have all heard of the Pumpkins song “Bullet train to Osaka…?” No? well, that makes sense because it is pretty obscure. I unfortunately did not get to take a Shinkansen to Osaka… But after a twist of fate (Tomo’s mom didn’t want us taking a boat) I did get to take one from Osaka to Kochi. So… I had a pumpkiny Japan experience… in reverse. Maybe I should have sat backwards in my seat instead of sleeping… and hummed the melody of the song backwards. Heh… I am a freak.

Next Time: Himeji Castle… and the rock an old crazy lady donated to help build it which is still there… (not to mention the ghosts of a thousand Japanese warriors, Samurai and um… stuff.)

Well… I guess this is it. I am leaving… Heading for the little purple area on the map… Kochi prefecture. So yeah. We will be taking a bus from Tokyo to Osaka and driving all night long. We arrive in Osaka tomorrow morning where we will cruise around and waste time until our boat leaves Osaka for Kochi. Yeah, we could have taken a train… hell, we could have taken a shinkansen all the way from Tokyo to Kochi and been there in six hours instead of 36… but that was expensive… and I am poor.

If I live… I will be back to say how all of this goes. If I don’t live, most likely I won’t be back to tell you how I died… but I am sure you could call my mom and find out. :) Anyway… I may be back in Tokyo in about a week… or two weeks if somehow it turns out to be awesome and I want to stay after Tomo comes back. Who knows. I hear you can swim there. And there are trees there… :)

wish me luck.

Ok. So I met this girl online. Well kinda. She emailed about a dozen people at random hoping to make a few new connections, and apparently I was the only one who wrote back. So we exchanged a few emails. She seemed neat. Clever in a kind of pessimistic way.

Well, I think I scared her off. She said something that I interpreted wrong and to which I replied casually “my first girly-crush was on a geek-girl”. If I have offended her, I feel bad. And if she misunderstood that as me coming on to her, I must laugh a little, because I wasn’t. Guys I don’t date have told me in casual conversation that their first “crush” was in 2nd grade, on the girl with glasses and they used to hold hands at recess. Does this sound like a pick-up line to you?

Anyway, most likely I am just mad-paranoid and that whole inferiority complex I must still have is rearing it’s ugly head in the form of “I must still be a freak”. bleh.

Oh… and if she’s reading this… I hope she knows that I’m posting this here just to release a bit of tension… this is just another journal entry and is meant to be socially non-destructive. (In other words: write back ok?!)

In Other News: Last night, I was about 12 or 13 years old, and this greasy scary fat man kidnapped me and took me into this room with white walls and mirrors. He put me in a wooden chair (like a baby’s high-chair) and with this disgusting toothy grin, pulled my pigtails away from my head and pressed a gun to them… He shot my hair a dozen times because he kept missing. In the end, he’d given me this butchered and very choppy hair-cut. I touched my hair, and looked into one of the mirrors. I saw that I wasn’t 13 years old. I was really 19. The man disappeared as far as I could tell. I looked down at the chair I was sitting in and discovered it was very old, and the yellow and blue flowers painted on it were chipping away.

Yesterday I had this geekiness-related emotional breakdown. Or something. It was the result of a fight Tomo and I had… which had been triggered by the fact that I knew more about his computer than he did… It was a stupid fight. Well, the initial one anyway. Because I really am not a geek. And my confusion over why I keep trying to be one, even though all it does is alienate me from my non-geeky friends, and make me feel stupid…I tried to write about all this, but the words I typed weren’t expressing what I was feeling. So I made the entry private.

Later in the evening, Tomo and I were talking about our trip to Kochi, and the fact that I am absolutely terrified of the idea of meeting his parents came up, and poured down my face. So it was emotional breakdown number two. But the two incidents, I realize now, were because of the same thing. The same loose wire in my brain was causing both.

I am still a child. And not because I like to watch cartoons (Tomo might beg to differ). But because I am still dependent on other people’s encouragement and approval of me. Without it, I feel alone, lost and purposeless most of the time. There are situations, and certain times when I do feel less like a child, and more like the butterfly in Hope for the Flowers. Like when I drove up to Bellingham the first time. It was my time to learn that thing, and I wanted to go… Independence was mine. I was alive.

So I am still a child. And I guess it is ok, as long as I don’t let myself wallow in self-pity because of my emotional immaturity. As long a I keep listening for the tiny voice that will tell me that I am ready to “drive to Bellingham” again. As long as I don’t become dependent on this aspect of my identity to feel real.

Someday, I will know where I am going. I won’t be afraid of people’s opinions, and I won’t crave them either. Maybe I will be the only person in the world, and maybe I will die of old age the very next day… but it will happen.

But until then, if you tease me about watching more hours of cartoons than some lonely fcuks watch of porno, I swear, watch your mailbox… There will soon be a package from Japan that you probably shouldn’t open because of the 2.7 kilograms of KUNG FU that will knock you on your ass if you do.

I feel special. I have become a victim of credit card fraud. I shit you not.

My mom emailed me a few days ago saying that some odd charges had been made to one of the accounts she and I share in Hawaii. Two days, eight emails and much bank-investigation later, we discover that dspay.com and it’s clone ordmedia.com have somehow been charging us monthly (if irregularly) for some kind of service… IF you go to those sites (and I suggest you don’t because they smell funny, their servers are un-secure, and have a VERY suspicious “dispute policy”) I am sure you will be just as amused as I was when I read this:

We have noticed an increase of fraud over the past few months. Unfortunately, much of this fraud is perpetrated by customers who have legitimately purchased services, but later deny having done so to their credit card companies. Please keep in mind this is illegal , in fact this is a felony punishable by jail time.

We fully investigate all claims of credit card fraud.

In addition, if you are suspected of such activity, your credit card may be listed with credit fraud agencies and will be unable to be used for future internet purchases. Your credit rating may also be effected.

This was thrown in my face in the form of a “warning” pop-up. On the main page of the site, another stinky bit of html (in bold print) reads:

If there is a charge on your statement from Dspay.com
and you do not know what it is in reference to, please [click here]. (link removed)

When I followed the instruction to “click here” I was taken to a non-secure page asking me to enter my credit card number in order to trace my account history with them.

Hmmm… Hmm… It really makes me wonder (and feel incredibly sorry for) the poor people out there who have fallen for this trap and have entered their credit card numbers to find out about these charges.

Any hacker type people want to PLEASE hurt these evil jerks?

In the drunken press of bodies on the last sardine-style train home, I leaned my face against Tomo’s back and tried to read the people around me. The guy on my left, the one with the hat, I think had a dark and white splotchy cat. And maybe a girlfriend, with whom he was having problems. The woman on my right, with the silver necklace, I think was craving (of all things) celery, and I am sure she had worn a grey or blue kimono to the hanabi matsuri last week. The person behind me was a marble wall. Perhaps he was stressed out. Every other person was drunk, but the smell of alcohol was nice to me… because, well, I was too.

I remember looking down at the ass of a girl just ahead of me and thinking “god, if I were a pervert…” And the man in front of Tomo had a purse that was unzipped and almost wide open. Without really looking, I could see inside… and with only a little more effort, he could go without a wallet, or worse.

The evil things you think about when you are smashed breast to back to butt to stomach in a train car. I wonder… was it a reflection of the questionable moral integrity of the people around me? Or was it me… exploring?

The weather has been quite… confused. Or is it angry? I dunno… but somehow, it looks like the air itself is pulsing with flashes of lightening… and the thunder is rumbling kind of like ocean waves… almost constant. It isn’t frightening… yet.

Last night was possibly the most violent lightning storm I have ever seen. Right now, I can look out the window and see these powerlines about 8 feet away… and there are two wires that look like they should be connected, but they aren’t. I see no sparking, and no service vehicles have been here, so maybe that wire has been broken the whole time…

Yeah… so last night, when the first flashes and rumbles struck, I started chattering about how I love lightening storms. And I do. When winds are not quite strong enough to blow you over, and when you don’t see a bolt of lightning hit the ground somewhere about 1000 feet from your window.

I thought maybe this was what venus looked like. Flashes and bolts about once every 2 seconds, constant snapping of thunder, and a sky the color of (I swear) baby poop, and winds making the buildings fold over horizontal (since there are no trees to speak of).

… Tomo is out there in this storm too. In his business suit… without an umbrella. Does anyone know what happens if a train is hit by lightning? Those tracks might really just be really long and skinny lightning rods.

In Other News: I made my mom a livejournal account… so now she can comment. And if you think I am a freak by encouraging my parental units to read my journal (my dad and his girlfriend have one too), you are just jealous… because my mom could beat up your mom. And my dad can cook better than your dad. And my Bonnie rawks harder than your Bonnie. So nya nya.

eek. My hair is all standing up… and my ear feels like it is going to explode. Hmm… Tomo said something about typhoons… maybe I should check an english-language world-weather site.

Ok… back to watching the Fireworks Display from Hell… I hope I don’t die. I hope Tomo doesn’t die either… I think someone died last night… we heard sirens just after the pizza guy left. (pizza delivery guys drive motorcycles here. Isn’t that cool?)