Ok. So I met this girl online. Well kinda. She emailed about a dozen people at random hoping to make a few new connections, and apparently I was the only one who wrote back. So we exchanged a few emails. She seemed neat. Clever in a kind of pessimistic way.
Well, I think I scared her off. She said something that I interpreted wrong and to which I replied casually “my first girly-crush was on a geek-girl”. If I have offended her, I feel bad. And if she misunderstood that as me coming on to her, I must laugh a little, because I wasn’t. Guys I don’t date have told me in casual conversation that their first “crush” was in 2nd grade, on the girl with glasses and they used to hold hands at recess. Does this sound like a pick-up line to you?
Anyway, most likely I am just mad-paranoid and that whole inferiority complex I must still have is rearing it’s ugly head in the form of “I must still be a freak”. bleh.
Oh… and if she’s reading this… I hope she knows that I’m posting this here just to release a bit of tension… this is just another journal entry and is meant to be socially non-destructive. (In other words: write back ok?!)
In Other News: Last night, I was about 12 or 13 years old, and this greasy scary fat man kidnapped me and took me into this room with white walls and mirrors. He put me in a wooden chair (like a baby’s high-chair) and with this disgusting toothy grin, pulled my pigtails away from my head and pressed a gun to them… He shot my hair a dozen times because he kept missing. In the end, he’d given me this butchered and very choppy hair-cut. I touched my hair, and looked into one of the mirrors. I saw that I wasn’t 13 years old. I was really 19. The man disappeared as far as I could tell. I looked down at the chair I was sitting in and discovered it was very old, and the yellow and blue flowers painted on it were chipping away.
Yesterday I had this geekiness-related emotional breakdown. Or something. It was the result of a fight Tomo and I had… which had been triggered by the fact that I knew more about his computer than he did… It was a stupid fight. Well, the initial one anyway. Because I really am not a geek. And my confusion over why I keep trying to be one, even though all it does is alienate me from my non-geeky friends, and make me feel stupid…I tried to write about all this, but the words I typed weren’t expressing what I was feeling. So I made the entry private.
Later in the evening, Tomo and I were talking about our trip to Kochi, and the fact that I am absolutely terrified of the idea of meeting his parents came up, and poured down my face. So it was emotional breakdown number two. But the two incidents, I realize now, were because of the same thing. The same loose wire in my brain was causing both.
I am still a child. And not because I like to watch cartoons (Tomo might beg to differ). But because I am still dependent on other people’s encouragement and approval of me. Without it, I feel alone, lost and purposeless most of the time. There are situations, and certain times when I do feel less like a child, and more like the butterfly in Hope for the Flowers. Like when I drove up to Bellingham the first time. It was my time to learn that thing, and I wanted to go… Independence was mine. I was alive.
So I am still a child. And I guess it is ok, as long as I don’t let myself wallow in self-pity because of my emotional immaturity. As long a I keep listening for the tiny voice that will tell me that I am ready to “drive to Bellingham” again. As long as I don’t become dependent on this aspect of my identity to feel real.
Someday, I will know where I am going. I won’t be afraid of people’s opinions, and I won’t crave them either. Maybe I will be the only person in the world, and maybe I will die of old age the very next day… but it will happen.
But until then, if you tease me about watching more hours of cartoons than some lonely fcuks watch of porno, I swear, watch your mailbox… There will soon be a package from Japan that you probably shouldn’t open because of the 2.7 kilograms of KUNG FU that will knock you on your ass if you do.