Months ago, I had an extremely pessimistic view of life. I believed that the world was not worthy of existence, that it grossly unqualified to be considered for the position it was applying for, so to speak. It was an inferior form of existence to say the least and it really fucking pissed me off. I often dreamed of some kind of world annihilation, some form of mass destruction to try to correct this horrible error in God’s judgment.
Anyway… I grew out of that period somehow. I think I moved in with my dad and stopped reading so much. I hid myself away from the world and got a fricking job. Bought a car, isolated myself and hid behind my computer screen.
Today I think I experienced Chapter Two of that “world destruction” idea. Or rather, I experienced a kind of reincarnation of it. A more mature instance. I can’t put the entire concept into words just yet. I feel this intense frustration in regards to the injustices and inconsistencies of the American Education system, especially where it concerns foreign language. I spent the evening reading books and essays on ESL, talking to Tomo who is a student studying English as a second language… and I basically was overwhelmed by feelings of remorse and … just psychic agony.
My conceptual English skills are not quite good enough to just throw out an analysis and a source for these feelings so soon after having them, so I am not even going to try right now… just know that I had them, and that they were real and that I am going to one day do something about them. I feel so strongly about this that I’d be willing to change the entire course of my life if I thought that I could make a difference. I know that I have a reputation for getting very passionate about something in a kind of abstract way… But that was when I was young and immature and powerless. Now I’m growing up. I can learn how to make my way through any system, because I am intelligent enough to understand anything I set my mind to.
Does this sound arrogant?? Shit I hope not.
I will go to bed tonight with the following ideas:
There is Optimism, and then there is Reality.I am an optimist at heart. (But I must fight for every shred of Optimism I have.)
One Day, I am going to change the world.
When I die, I am taking the world with me unless it is a better place after I leave.
I am grateful that Tomo understands where I’m coming from. I got to talk to him about this. It was really great. And I think Adi is going to be a prominent figure in the next season of The Continuing Adventures of Penny the Super Haole. Maybe I could cast him as Penny’s new partner. Or maybe Penny’s new Mecha. :) He wants to help me destroy the world if it ever comes down to that.
Comment Topic of the Day: Got Perspective?
clover334 | 13-Mar-02 at 8:28 am | Permalink
wouldn’t it be funny if you could take the world with you?
like put it in a ziplock,
and then take it our for later,
and get the biggest glass of milk ever,
and dunk it, bite, chew………
yum.
Playing God.
starladear6 | 14-Mar-02 at 2:01 am | Permalink
That would be awesome. :) We’d need a hella strong toothpick though… to pick all those trees out of our teeth.
durandal1707 | 15-Mar-02 at 10:53 am | Permalink
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