Well, it’s not broken. It’s not even fractured. The x-rays showed nothing… But I can’t bend it. I can’t flex it or rotate my ankle much… it’s swollen and feels like it is filled with sand or clay. It’s just a sprain… or a ’strain’ or something. with “contusions”. I’m to walk on it as much as I can, and put ice on it several times a day. I can’t even sit on the toilet without being scared shitless that I’m going to bend my knee, that my other foot will slip or something… and there I’ll be, screaming in pain with my panties tangled around my ankles…. I’m really looking forward to taking a shower.
I feel as though my knee were made of clay. [*blink* wow. That line was in iambic pentameter.hmm… lets see if I can keep going.]
And all that I can do is wait and see
I’ll breathe and keep my wits throughout the day
And see if this, will be the death of me.
*bows*
Fuck. I must be doped up or something. I’m writting iambic quatrains about my knee.
I don’t take physical injuries very well… I never have. I feel like my body is betraying me…that I can’t depend on it… this feels so alien to me, this inability to move… this inactivity…. this helplessness. I feel like I used to be able to overcome things that stopped me… as if “obstacle” was a foreign word. Perhaps I was a breeze in a past life. You can’t ever stop the wind. Perhaps I was an ocean wave. You can’t stop those either. I used to fly… I was so free… and I hate this stupid physical existence.
I can’t go to class, I can’t train, I can’t even swing my sword. My insides are suggesting that I re-assess what my goals were in class… because I won’t be back for a while. I started training not to learn how to fight, but to learn flexibility, self confidence, and self defense. *sigh* maybe now I’m supposed to learn something else. patience. It was something I failed to learn from Sifu when he withheld our belts for so long… it’s something I’ve never learned. I’ve always been impatient… wanting results from myself and from others right away… wanting people and things to respond to me… Wanting the world to respond to me.
But I am a grain of sand… I don’t even know if I’m a grain trapped in a whirlwind, or if I am at the bottom of some ocean. Something lives here somewhere… around me. I think that whatever forces put us here are not just random “natural” forces anymore. I think it is alive. I think that it is conscious. Perhaps it doesn’t pay all that much attention to us… it has much bigger things to think about. But I think it is there. I think we must be the cells of this force… the cells in it’s Great physical body. We carry it’s DNA. created in His image
And thus begins my Great and Futile search for God. And for the answers to the questions: Who am I? What am I? and Why am I here?
columba | 20-Nov-01 at 11:46 pm | Permalink
i hope your ankle gets better soon.
:) cheer up girl!
redshoeson | 21-Nov-01 at 12:55 am | Permalink
When I read those words in your journal, it brought to mind the book I just started reading. I think it could really help you. It’s called, “Sophie’s World: A Novel About the History of Philosophy.” Here’s a link to it:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0425152251/qid=1006361496/sr=2-2/ref=sr_2_75_2/104-4430025-4317501
“Wanting to understand the most fundamental questions of the universe isn’t the province of ivory-tower intellectuals alone, as this book’s enormous popularity has demonstrated. A young girl, Sophie, becomes embroiled in a discussion of philosophy with a faceless correspondent. At the same time, she must unravel a mystery involving another young girl, Hilde, by using everything she’s learning. The truth is far more complicated than she could ever have imagined. ”
I’m only about 4 chapters in, but I already love it. If you’re really interested in pursuing a little philosophy, check it out. The chapters are written in bite sized portions, so don’t worry about not having time.
Good luck and feel better! ^_^
starladear6 | 21-Nov-01 at 6:10 am | Permalink
I’ts my knee, but thank you anyway. :)
starladear6 | 21-Nov-01 at 6:21 am | Permalink
Wow thanks for the suggestion… I started reading the excerpts and it seems like a pretty neat book… fast reading too. And very inexpensive. I might send for it. Thank you. :)
redshoeson | 21-Nov-01 at 6:36 am | Permalink
Surely! ^_^ If you do read it, we should compare notes.
cepcion | 11-Oct-02 at 10:35 am | Permalink
holy synchrony batgirl!
what? oh … Sophie’s World, and the idea of the iambic pentameter. that penta-whozit stuff goes even farther back, to some very dim unused corner of my mind. It feels like i’ve been wondering what that was since I was 12, and somewhere around the time I turned 19 I finally looked it up (and later, found the LJ community for it).