Penny Hero (dot) Net

Well, it’s not broken. It’s not even fractured. The x-rays showed nothing… But I can’t bend it. I can’t flex it or rotate my ankle much… it’s swollen and feels like it is filled with sand or clay. It’s just a sprain… or a ’strain’ or something. with “contusions”. I’m to walk on it as much as I can, and put ice on it several times a day. I can’t even sit on the toilet without being scared shitless that I’m going to bend my knee, that my other foot will slip or something… and there I’ll be, screaming in pain with my panties tangled around my ankles…. I’m really looking forward to taking a shower.

I feel as though my knee were made of clay. [*blink* wow. That line was in iambic pentameter.hmm… lets see if I can keep going.]
And all that I can do is wait and see
I’ll breathe and keep my wits throughout the day
And see if this, will be the death of me.

*bows*

Fuck. I must be doped up or something. I’m writting iambic quatrains about my knee.

I don’t take physical injuries very well… I never have. I feel like my body is betraying me…that I can’t depend on it… this feels so alien to me, this inability to move… this inactivity…. this helplessness. I feel like I used to be able to overcome things that stopped me… as if “obstacle” was a foreign word. Perhaps I was a breeze in a past life. You can’t ever stop the wind. Perhaps I was an ocean wave. You can’t stop those either. I used to fly… I was so free… and I hate this stupid physical existence.

I can’t go to class, I can’t train, I can’t even swing my sword. My insides are suggesting that I re-assess what my goals were in class… because I won’t be back for a while. I started training not to learn how to fight, but to learn flexibility, self confidence, and self defense. *sigh* maybe now I’m supposed to learn something else. patience. It was something I failed to learn from Sifu when he withheld our belts for so long… it’s something I’ve never learned. I’ve always been impatient… wanting results from myself and from others right away… wanting people and things to respond to me… Wanting the world to respond to me.

But I am a grain of sand… I don’t even know if I’m a grain trapped in a whirlwind, or if I am at the bottom of some ocean. Something lives here somewhere… around me. I think that whatever forces put us here are not just random “natural” forces anymore. I think it is alive. I think that it is conscious. Perhaps it doesn’t pay all that much attention to us… it has much bigger things to think about. But I think it is there. I think we must be the cells of this force… the cells in it’s Great physical body. We carry it’s DNA. created in His image

And thus begins my Great and Futile search for God. And for the answers to the questions: Who am I? What am I? and Why am I here?

I remember the shock of it. The yellow-white shock of laying on the floor wondering if my knee was broken. Pain is red and blue in my mind. Bright red, and royal blue. I couldn’t move my knee…. All I could do was lay there yelling “Oh my God!” For a few minutes I really did think that it might be broken. But then I thought that it didn’t hurt enough to be broken. It was strange… the thoughts that went through my head right then. I remember being so suddenly amazed that I wasn’t crying. I remember looking up at myself in the mirror and being so shocked that my eyes weren’t red… that they weren’t wet… I was physically calm… but I was mentally shocked. One of the assistants began to touch my leg… I’m assuming checking for breaks. Finally, Sihing helped me to my feet and together we hobbled over to the mats and I layed down.. and put my foot up on two red bags. Rain brought me one of those ice packs that you have to crumble and crack before they get cold. I didn’t start crying until the rest of the class went back to training. And even then I only cried a little. Mostly I just let my knee get numb… and then I watched them train… I listened to Sihing. My knee started to feel better. I was able to bend it, move it, flex it… at least a little. The pain receded just as the cold pack started to feel warm. I began to wish that I was back out there on the floor with them. Finally everyone lined back up and I knew class was almost over. Sihing took them through a set of sit ups… and I watched through the first set and then decided that I could do them too. So I scooted my little injured ass to the back of the room and finished the day despite my inability to walk. *pride*

It is so strange how life occasionally enriches itself with parallels, symbolism, irony… things that I’d only expect to find in literature, I find all the time in my own life. I have a funny feeling that the Great Authors of the world didn’t just invent the things which now make their novels great. They saw it in their own lives, recognized fleeing glimpses of some kind of Design… and then wrote what they saw.

I experienced Life’s sense of Timing today. I had almost given up the hope of receiving my yellow belt before December. And today, I only thought about the belt once… when I spoke to Mark for the first time since the test. He didn’t even know if he had passed. Well, today, of all days… and during a day class at that… when there was only eight students present, Sifu held the promotion ceremony for the two of us. I was so mixed up inside… But it was so strangely appropriate. Three and a half long weeks of anticipation and constant disappointment… and Sifu promotes us when I am least expecting it… during a Day class which I attend because of the informality and relaxed atmosphere… and it was there, there that I experienced the most formal part of studying Wun Hop Kuen Do: receiving a promotion.

So my injurious day turned out to be very good. I came home with the two most telling signs that I’m a martial artist: a colored belt, and a physically inhibiting injury. :) And I’m strangely equally proud of both.

I’m surprised I woke up this morning in a good mood. Last night I was very depressed. I went to class expecting to receive my yellow belt and came home disappointed yet again. Sifu told us all last Tuesday that “tomorrow” would be the promotions. I mentioned that I couldn’t make it to classes on Wednesday so he said I’d receive my belt on Thursday. *smacks head* I’ve considered that maybe he is teaching us all a lesson in um… patience… in the true confusing style of Chinese kung fu. Where the master keeps his reasons and motivations secret. However, I have my reasons for thinking that this is not the case. I can’t help but feel disappointed. And a little let down. And I’m sure that the others who tested feel just as confused as I do. But I have to keep reminding myself that the belt really isn’t anything. All it is a symbol. A representation of my rank in this system. And rank shouldn’t matter. Still, I didn’t know how to feel last night. I came home and told my dad about what happened… and almost cried. Well, ok I did cry. Which was really stupid. I should have faith in my Sifu… especially Dacascos Sifu… I should trust him more.

I trained last night with my swords to help release some of the pent up frustration. I’m glad that I did. I feel strangely as if I finally… um bonded with my sword. Not the wushu blade… the real one. What a strange experience: to love a blade. :)

I also had the most incredible sensations last night before I fell asleep. . I brought myself down into a kind of meditation, like I usually do when my mind is too busy for sleeping. I felt what I’ve come to describe as my “aura expanding”… I feel very big and slightly above myself. This was normal. I’ve felt this a hundred times. But then, I vaguely remember a new sensation… It must have happened after I began to doze, otherwise I’d have woken myself up because of its strangeness. I felt as if I were suddenly conscious in two separate places at the same time. As if I were having two sets of dreams at once, both unrelated to each other. I was suddenly two separate whole people sleeping side by side. I remember being in my own place, and feeling that I was also laying just to my right, and slightly above… two sets of thoughts, overlapping, but not mixing. I vaguely thought while laying in bed that this was strange… but the strangeness never ‘clicked’ consciously enough to pull me out of it. It wasn’t an uncomfortable experience. I believe I fell asleep completely during the experience. It felt ‘normal’ and ‘familiar’. but upon waking, and remembering it, I can’t help but wonder what it might have been.

A few days ago, I believe I left my body. I remember sitting up, as if sitting up in a shallow bathtub… my legs still submerged in my own legs. The feeling of out of body travel is a familiar one, although I’ve only experienced it a few times that I can remember. I flew up towards my ceiling and began to pass through it. After that, I have no memory. Often times I only remember clips of my travels. I’m glad that these experiences are finally returning. I went through a long period of spiritual stagnation. I feel that period is finally coming to an end.

I bet some of you are laughing like mad skeptics. And another some of you is half interested… and yet another some of you might even be laughing at how inexperienced I am… “she can’t even remember her travels. puh! silly newbie.” To each his own…

Comment Topic of the Day: Astral Projection and the Odd Experience I had last night. Anyone have any comments on this entry? logical explanations? similar experiences? Any ideas or theories on what this might have been?

“So when do we find out if we passed?”
“Sifu usually likes to leave you hanging for a few days… sometime this week probably.”
*boggle*
“Don’t worry though. You passed.”
*pause* “really? I passed?” *passes out*

Even a day later, my body is still in physical shock. I ache in places I didn’t even know existed… but not just the familiar muscle aches… I feel this sort of whole-body numbness… like a vibration. I couldn’t sleep last night because of this strange feeling. At the most I think I got about 3 hours of sleep. Whatever sleep I got, I woke up feeling just as exhausted… not sore like I expected… The sore-ness didn’t even begin to develop until about 12pm this after noon.

The test was more than I expected… and at the same time, it wasn’t what I expected at all. It wasn’t painful… not to say that it wasn’t agonizingly difficult. At times, I found it difficult to breathe, even think because of the physical … I want to say physical trauma. Pain is temporary… but this memory… my body will remember last night for as long as it lasts me. Kiley’s “hell nights” and “pain nights” back in Hawaii were nothing compared to this test. I’ve learned that pain… even Pain is temporary. But something about last night will be remembered forever.

There doesn’t exist a word to describe how this test was… It was humbling, awe-inspiring, humiliating, excruciating… it was insanely difficult, but it made me feel so very proud… I have more respect for myself and my body now than I did before November 2nd.

I remember sweat, spit, wrestling bodies, aching bones… floors dangerously slippery from condensation and dripping sweat… I remember kicks, and screams, punches, walking drills, take-downs and demonstrations… horrific three minute horse stance… terrible thirst… The test had no end. There were no breaks, no minutes to rest. Our two water-breaks were limited to thirty seconds each. I was accidentally kicked in the stomach so hard I felt nauseous… but I didn’t have time to feel the pain… my turn was up again suddenly. Felix came to watch the entire thing… I was so glad to see him there… it made me feel very supported… He taught me much of what I was being tested on… It was like having an older brother there for you.

The test was fast, hard and dangerous… that was how it felt. I was frightened throughout most of the test. Frightened of the upper belts, frightened of the judges, frightened of the slippery floor. But then, near the end of the test, The judges had us perform our forms. Those were the few moments that my mind found peace… My body had memorized my form so well that my mind could finally relax. The 18 hands of Lo Han felt like a dream… Partway through my performance I heard one of the Sihings say to the rest of the students “you guys cancheer.” *pause* I almost faltered there… I had no idea what I looked like… I hardly expected to look good enough to be applauded… after I finished, I felt satisfied, but strangely humble. I’d never performed my form for anyone like that before.

The testing session lasted about half an hour after the lower belts were finished. We became “dummie bodies” for Brian-todie; he was testing for his purple belt. This was where I suffered the most injuries… monkey-line and multi man is dangerous for someone as small as me.

And then… suddenly, we lined up and we were excused…. So fast… the fastest, longest, most intense three hours of my life.

I left the kwoon feeling as if I was going to cry… And about 500 feet from the freeway onramp I burst into tears… I don’t know why. I honestly don’t know why I cried so hard… but something inside me exploded… and I just couldn’t hold it in. I cried for probably 15 or 20 miles… just outside of Newberg I finally stopped… and started singing along to Chara blasting from my stereo.

The roads were thick with fog… it reminded me of when I drove to see Val… the mists all around me giving me the impression of passing through an unknown… Fog and mist are symbolic to me of spiritual passage.. Even if I don’t gain my yellow belt, I know that I have passed from one place to another… I graduated from somewhere and elevated myself to something higher than I’ve ever been. There is a chance that I won’t get my yellow belt, even though I took the test so seriously and worked so hard to test. There were four judges, and their score-sheets looked intimidating… But even if I don’t make it to yellow status, I know I’ll not lose the pride and sense of accomplishment that I gained last night…

yatta!