Penny Hero (dot) Net

Yaaaaaaay!!!!! Starla is a HAPPY Chara-fan. God I wish I could remember how to speak in Japanese. I used to be able to say ‘I am obsessed with [noun]’. But I can’t remember. Maybe I should dig out my notes. It’d be great to say something nice about her music… in her own language. How about this: Chara-chan wa dai kirei na onna dayo. Well, it wasn’t quite about her music, but it was still true. I’m such a dork. lol.

Thank you thank you to Dean sama for the cds. The Great Chara Puzzle in my head is almost complete… the only missing piece is that Ai Eye issue featuring Chara and James Iha. whoo hoo!!

Dakishimetemo   sagashiteru
Kakegae no nai   uso da
Akirameta you ni nagare   ochite
…Sono onaji yuuki ni furete?

Subete tsutsumu kimi no kodou mo tojite iku no?
Unmei to nigete ku
Nanimo shiranai   kimi no ano tsumetai me wo
Kowashitai no ni
Kowashitai no ni
Kowashitai no ni

Ai no ao   mitasu deshou…
Afurenaide

Subete tsutsumu kimi no kodou mo
Unmei to nigete ku
Nanimo shiranai   kimi no ano tsumetai me wo
Kogashitai dake
Kogashitai no ni
Kowashitai no ni

Michita   hikari ga   wakareta

I’m a much more peaceful mushroom now. Today was a good day. Work was “average speed”. Class this morning was pretty intense though. It was a “good” intense though. And it was only intense because I stayed 20 minutes afterwards and did ab-work with the other pain seekers. Sifu worked with me during part of the class… which was really great. He hardly ever stays to help just one student for any lengthy period of time. Maybe it was to make up for the fact that he never showed up to work with me last Saturday. Actually, I was… um… honored to have his attention for so long. I got almost everything signed off except for the wrestling take-downs and some memorized technical stuff…

God I hope I can be ready for the test… *worries*

I had this really horrible dream last night. One of those dreams you wake up shaking from… and the feelings of fear and guilt don’t leave you for hours… It was a terrible dream…

I dreamed that a very dear friend of mine suffered a horrible injury because of my own carelessness. This friend and I were walking together, helping his grandmother do something. She was moving, or building or something. It was a service being done for her. We decided to leave for a little bit and go to this nearby concession stand for snacks. His grandmother either didn’t speak English or didn’t hear very well, because when he told her “grandma, we’re going to get some snacks!” she didn’t respond. Over and over again he called to her. Finally I yelled, and because my voice was a different pitch, she heard me. “Grandma! We’re going to go buy water!!” I yelled. She looked up and said “Oh, you can drink water right here from the faucet.” Instead of trying to explain further, we just shook our heads and left.

We walked up some stairs (the floor and walls were pink for some reason. Pink and yellow.) and across this space towards the right side of the concession stand. We were goofing off, he was kicking at me and pushing, we were laughing. He kept kicking me on the inside of my knees to make me fall. Then I bent down and grabbed both his ankles and pulled sharply. He was so light-weight that he flew up into the air and his entire body weight fell back down on the back of his head… sharply on the hard hard floor. I heard the most horrible *crack* echo at impact… the sound was so sickening. The dread realizations at that instant were all I could think about… If someone told me at that moment that this was all a dream, I’d have not believed them. I felt lucid at that instant. I was aware of my own consciousness, my breathing, my surroundings, the people all around us staring at him… faces at the windows all around…. They were mostly old people staring at me… staring at my carelessness, incompetence…

I bent down to help my friend. He leaned forward and I held him. He wasn’t shaking, or crying… but his eyes were wet and he was scared. I was scared. And I was terrified to touch the back of his head… I just hugged him, hoping that he would stay alive like that. I was thinking about a conversation we’d had before… about some kind of head injury he’d suffered in the past… a crack in his skull a long time ago, and for some reason I knew this new crack was perpendicular to the old crack… Finally I reached up and touched his head… and I could feel where the solid skull gave way beneath the skin… I felt so sick to my stomach… and I felt so much guilt and sorrow. “We have to get you to a hospital” I said…. And then I remember nothing else from that dream.

The most terrifying part of that dream is the fact that I know exactly why I had it. Last night, something happened between myself and Charley (which I won’t narrate here) that made me feel really horrible… I was afraid, terrified… and I felt the most profound guilt and heaviness…. The exact feelings I felt in my dream. So my dream wasn’t any kind of warning, or premonition. And it didn’t have anything to do with the friend who appeared in my dream. I fell asleep thinking about this friend of mine… contemplating the fact that I keep searching for love and friendships in new people and ‘boyfriends’ which are comparable to or similar to how I feel for him. Those were thoughts I fell asleep with… so it makes sense that he would appear in my dream. My dream was a nocturnal expression of the emotions I was feeling before I went to sleep… and the appearance of my friend in them just showed how seriously these emotions effected me… how deep they went…

Dreams are terrible, horrible frightening poems. Symbols of reality. Parallels of truth. Even though it was just a dream, my soul feels as if the terrible event really took place. Because my insides can distinguish no emotional or psychic difference between feelings generated by my best friend suffering that kind of injury and the events which took place the night before between myself and Charley.

Candace, Daniel and I found ourselves in an AIM chat room yesterday… It was the first time the three of us were “together” since graduation. I recognized it as a sort of monumental occasion… And we spent half the time talking about freezing rare creatures in liquid nitrogen and throwing them out a high rise window. lol. Theres Us for you.

Anyway… I should go to sleep soon… soon soon… I’ll be leavin… I am… all your saying,.. I am all your failing… I’m in here. Please take me home… Starla dear… I’m all alone… When you can’t decide, what’s on your mind, it’s clear. I’m here… Starla Dear.

After Z comes nothing.
After this abbreviation
there is a dot,
and some empty space.
A quiet place.
A piece of mind. / A separate peace.
After Z comes silence,
a dance-like trance-like silence,
a flow, an ebb.
After Z comes power.
A wave of wisdom and of glowing light.

After Z comes wonder.
Questions unrestricted by sound or sight.
After Z comes freedom.
Escape unrelenting, prisoner of the sky.
After Z comes answers.
Voices from the inside, smashing radios at our feet.

After Z comes us.
The future of our world.
The children of the notes, the letters, music, numbers.
After Z comes We.
And we, together, all is done.

After Z comes We.
And after Zero; the number One.

I’m going to quote someone’s journal entry… I found it while doing my little “random” searches which have become quite addictive. The things this guy (I assume it is a guy…) said he did make me feel really… pessimistic about society… My mind really can’t wrap itself around the possibility that people like this really exist… that they really do think like this… and they really do think that doing stuff like this is ok. I won’t provide a link to his journal… because that would be rude… and no doubt some people would flame him… or get on his case or whatever… and the fact that I quoted and criticized him would get back to me etc…

Haha. We kicked Doof’s ass yesterday for losing Fish’s hacky-sack (spelling). It was quite amusing. We tried to pull him out of the car but he kept holding onto everything and forcing his way to the horn to try and get people to come help him. We finally pulled him from the car and I held him down while Fish beat him with a stick and Steger laughed. Then I let him up and Doof goes nuts and attacks Steger. His face was all red and he fucking went ape-shit. So, Steger pins him down and Doof tries to bite him… was mega-funny and all because of a hack.

The guy calls himself “fucking skull” and also “carebear”… quite a contrast. he’s got a carebear doll mascot thing… with its legs eaten up by a dog. I think this guy is fucked up… He reminds me of a few people I’ve crossed paths with in my life… seen from afar or known from a distance. Or flashes of the more animalistic insides of some of my friends…

I wonder how many people like Carebear-Skull there really are out there…. enough to prevent our society from maturing? Maybe this is just a sign that parts of the world truly aren’t ready… even in our own country.

The biggest fucking “Oh Well” comes to my lips… the biggest disappointment… because if I am to live to see a society that I truly could be proud to be a part of, I’d have to outlive guys like Carebear Skull… and potentially his children. A hopeless dream… unless I chose to deny the existence of things like this… to remove myself from that part of the world. But then I wouldn’t be part of the world… I’d be in my own little world… and that’d just be shit-dreams.

This is the trippiest place to “play”…

I swear. But it makes more sense if you know what it is from. :)

arigatou vuaru-sama.

I have this soon-to-be-purple bruise on my chin where this girl slammed me into the mat during training today. It is kind of neat. I’ve got these other bruises on my arms from normal contact in class… those are kind of neat too. I wear my bruises with pride actually. :) It means I’m making progress.

Sifu used me to demonstrate a rather dangerous neck-breaking technique in class… that was kind of scary. But hell, I’d trust Sifu with my life.

Anyway… bruises bruises everywhere. The things us silly white-belts value. *silly grin*

Nothing is trivial. No detail of life is insignificant. Every moment is precious. It will never come again.

“How many times will you remember a certain afternoon from your childhood?”

One of the most inherent characteristics of being human is our mortality. We as individuals know this in our very hearts. The idea makes itself known in our artwork, in our literature and our movies. This theme repeats itself throughout time and history. “You grow up the day you realize you are going to die.”

What I don’t understand is this: If the value of human life has been broadcast and published and re-published and re broadcast for ages, why don’t more people understand? Relatively soon after birth, we learn that we are going to die. Why do so many people misinterpret that fact and believe it means that life is pointless? Why do so many people throw away their numbered days and waste their lives in self pity, pain, nostalgia… Why weep in sorrow when “it can’t rain all the time.”

It is all over the airwaves. And these messages are not machine generated. They come from one of us. Or from all of us. And most people will watch the movie, or read the book and say “wow. That was deep.” But they don’t change their lives. Nothing happens. The message becomes lost, muddled, distorted and faded. And then the artist must move on, his mission failed.

What will it take to make the violent, self absorbed, mentally broken people out there open themselves up to the possibility of Life?

I’m an aunt again. :) :)

His name is Christopher Jacob. *grin* And he was born today to my brother and his wife. My other nephew Brandon must be so big now. :) *does a little dance*

*hears “Auntie Em! Auntie Em!” in her head*

Over the past five days, I have been watching way too much Star Trek. …and it feels fucking GREAT! Star Trek really is one of the Great Things in this world. I don’t believe I am versed enough in the Star Trek universe to be a true Trekie, but I am very addicted to that universe. The show presents such an optimistic view of humanity’s future. I find its messages and stories uplifting and inspiring. It reminds me that there are people out there who still dream of a future for mankind… who do not believe that we are headed for self-annihilation. Watching Star Trek and reading my cheesy 1960s Science Fiction has made me ponder the part of our physics which drive us to create. It has made me see another facet of our complexity as a species and appreciate how beautiful we really are.

This fiction stuff we create and the people who create it really are really pretty amazing. Fiction is a medium through which people can bring to life their fantasies, their theories and their ideas, without restraint or restriction. Through fiction, one can live within a world of their choosing, or bring other people into their creations. Fiction is a non-fiction of possibilities. Documentaries based on the imagination. The fact that our society is even capable of creative thinking is truly amazing. It is a wonder that we even have concepts, theories, fantasies or ideas. The fact that we know the difference between the past and the present, and that we have words for things like “leisure” and “entertainment” are mind boggling if you really think about it for a minute. Our brains consist merely of neurons, blood vessels, the fluids and tissues which hold it all together and a myriad of other biological things. Essentially the same stuff within any other creature on Earth. So where does Intelligence come from? There is no medical explanation for Human Consciousness. This leads to the following conclusion: We are much more than the sum of our parts. No other known species in our universe is capable of recognizing, interpreting and then expressing our ideas in so many diverse ways. Humanity is simply astounding.

It makes me wonder what we are truly capable of. Where would we be in two or 3 centuries given the best conditions. What is our potential? Do I dare begin to feel optimistic about the future when there are still so many profoundly confused and blind people (and governments) running around unsupervised?

Time will tell. I just hope I live long enough to see the beginnings of some sort of Big Tomorrow.