Damn… ha ha. I log into live journal and that song plays on my radio… wow. Just when I miss him so much. *cries*
The song itself has nothing to do with anything. the meaning is so oposite to how I feel. But *sigh*… he’s the reason it is significant to me. Aishiteiru…
I spent the night at a friends house last night. It was pretty fun. She’s married now. I missed the wedding by a few weeks last time I was here. She’s like a big sister to me, but we don’t have a whole lot in common, besides our taste in music. Her husband and my brother get along good though. Two bozo kids.
I want to write some commentary about life here in Newberg… but I don’t know how. And I don’t know exactly the point I’d like to make. Something about how I dislike how freaks are still scoffed at, how the minority is still sneered at, and the fact that the haoles are the majority now doesn’t make it any better… The world never really changes as it turns and spins…
I have these wierd feelings of unease right now. Maybe they are just heinous moodswings because I finally started my period after a three month unexplainable hiatus. I also had these really horrible nightmares last night. There were several of them, all laced together. Sort of parallel to eachother, as if my brain were playing about 4 or 5 different tracks at once. They were all themed around the concept of escape. I was a captive, and I was trying to escape from my captors. I think I was some kind of circus act, or captive being forced to perform some service. What was strange was that I was with someone else. he or she was like a brother/sidekick to me. Or rather, I was the side kick to him/her. We both had to escape. He/she was very nimble and graceful, and (s)he jumped over the booby traps we had to navigate in order to escape, but I on the other hand tripped over them and triggered them. The most vivid trap i remember was a long cord across the ground. I saw it, but tripped over it anyway. The cord snapped and released the valve on a big tub of gasoline sitting in the back of a pickup truck… the snapped cord caused the truck to roll towards us. as it passed a certain tree, a metal wire scraped a flint on the side of the truck and sparked it… flames were everywhere. I managed to push the truck down a side street before it exploded… but the explosion was like an atomic bomb… and I believe my partner and I died because at that point the dream started over…
The strange thing was that the night before, I had these incredibly vivid dreams about flying, and crime fighting. Dreams that I associate with release, freedom and confidence. I attributed them to the fact that I was so relieved about starting my period, but now I am seeing something similar between them. In both sets of dreams, I was accompanied by another person. Like a side kick, or a brother. In my crime fighting dream, we were both Orca trainers… we were constantly dependent on eachother and the feelings of total trust and reliance were very clear. I believe that my “partner” in my nightmares was the same person.
I wish I knew who this person represented. Or what idea he/she represents. Maybe I miss my friends in Hawaii… but no one there really gave me the feelings that this person does. This was more like the Penny and Andy Easten and I created. Apart, we are normal people. but together we are superheros. Invincible.
Who is this person? Maybe some aspect of myself that I should be searching for… something that will change me into a sort of stronger and more confident person. It is strange that these dreams have occupied my thoughts so strongly lately. I used to never have vivid dreams like this. Or rather, I went through a long period in my life where I simply could not dream at all. Now I’m leaving my body, and having lucid dreams almost every night, in addition to these vivid adventure dreams. A change in life style, or a removal of stress I suppose could do this to someone.
The mind is so strange. These resulting feelings of longing and nostalgia. God. I miss someone. something. But I’m calm and happy at the same time.
